90 days

(written 7/23/19)

Nearly every day I search on my phone "how many days ago was April 24 2019?"; every day I get my answer, and every day I wonder "how can that be?" This morning at mass, I checked my phone "90 days", and again I thought to myself "90 days?! how can this be?!"

These last 90 days have been hard. Trying to get back into routine. When she was in the hospital, my days and nights got all mixed with mixed up sleeping schedules, being up alot/going hard all day, not much sleep, spending a night in the hospital....Busy & full days --- lots of babysitting (lots!!); New "jobs" that just keep coming (who knew I'd ever be taking care of old people?! Listening to the song "night shift" by Jon Pardi like crazy!); new experiences (going to Kansas, being at/learning a lot at the VA hospital); 2 fairs; selling pigs & steers...; my new ability to cry over just about everything--send help!; new books & art; feeling suddenly older; feeling like I don't have enough time for reading (yet I keep buying more books!); feeling like I don't have enough time for writing---trying to get in as much as I can!...trying to get back on track...feeling like an emotional train wreck...so many emotions.... there are so many things that remind me of her....  have Seroquel? sign me up!

Its been 90 days since she died and I'm still struggling greatly....
"this morning I was at the VA hospital...driving from the hospital area is always weird. even Hoyer lifts bring back memories. Driving past QoP, the cemetery and such over there, reminded me of the Trek from AS to the hospital Monday April 15. I just had to see her and be with her. Little did we know what the next ten days would bring us and do to us." (7/23/19)
"...90 days and I still feel like I'm carrying so much "weight"...."(7/23/19)

There is so much that I miss of her/her and I. Our visits, our adventures, our reading, our rosaries; together, just the two of us; watching her/being responsible for her; all the things I did for her; how excited she'd be to see me... "What I would give for another day with [her]. another afternoon together. to run up the sidewalk and have W or M open the door; to let [her] touch my face; to feel all that oxytocin; to text E she said & what we did; to sit on her bed & swing my legs" (7/23/19)

Its weird, in a way, having her Holy family image on my desk and knowing its mine. I love it, and there is a certain level of comfort from looking at it. But still, its a weird feeling knowing its mine. (yes I always wanted my own of it, but never thinking I'd get hers). So strange to look at it and know its mine!

90 days....Yikes!