this week: new bishop + better days ahead?

{pictures from the night of Vespers}

She died April 24 2019. I was still very sleep deprived, and my sleep schedule off....I remember being up around 5am and scrolling through Facebook before 7am mass to find that we were chosen a new bishop. I went to mass and it was announced there. then we found out he was saying a noon mass, so we all went. I think I slept through most of it...its all a blur, those days were kind of a blur....

I don't know why---maybe from all the storms that night, or maybe its mild depression, or who really knows... the night of vespers with our new Bishop was a hard night. I should really be more excited about having a new bishop but, I may forever associate him with her....
Parking was a disaster to begin with, as I was directed to park in a handicap sport (I nearly lost my mind!). Once in the church, I had some writing time. I really tried to be excited about what was happening. but, even Bishop's homily made me think of her when he said "God never seems to call the qualified, he qualifies the called". (How true it is!)
I was tear eyed the whole night and burst into tears 4 times with the Magnificat, The Salve Regina, "you called John the baptist to give testimony to you by his life and even his death" and "remember those who have died, give them a place of light, happiness and peace".
I was kind of a wreck that night.

I was a bit surprised that I made it through the entire installation mass the next day with no tears.

65 days after her death. I made it through the ordination mass with no tears, but fell asleep during it at least twice and I did not care.
Again, the night of the ordination, I realized that I should have more excitement for the happenings around me, but I'm just so scattered & distracted or something....
I was slightly disappointing that the new priests didn't offer their hands for the kissing of the hands after the first blessings that night, as she was the one who taught me to do that at Father P's first mass year.

Today, at a first mass of a priest whose mom died 10 years ago, I cried each time the new priest or his dad cried. Its like I couldn't hold back tears. and the last time I saw a priest cry, and I think the only time, was at her funeral.

Tomorrow, I had planned on taking her to a Latin mass first mass (since our last first mass was such a success-NOT!). she should be there. I planned to bring her. but she's not. and I'm going "alone". I won't get front row seating like last year and who knows what tears the day may bring.....

our relationship in songs

I only listened to a few of these songs and thought of her when she was still alive. A few weeks after she died, I thought a YouTube playlist was needed, and then I wanted to be able to listen to this playlist anytime and anywhere, so I made a Spotify playlist. I listen to it mostly at night, or when I want to do some writing/think of her.

At the HFH graduation last year, we had to sit at the bottom of the steps as we couldn't get to the top. She wasn't thrilled about it and I kept saying "well offer it up" (like that was somehow helpful...)
She fell asleep and during one of the slideshows this song played: Count on me- Bruno Mars, and it made me think of her and I. This was the first song that made me think of her and I. Starting in the fall I had a monthly Monday night babysitting gig, I'd visit her first, and drive west and sing this song thinking of her.

When she was in the hospital for being unresponsive, I went 80 on 14 to get to her fast. I couldn't take it anymore and just wanted to be with her. I listened to "its the end of the world as we know it" by REM (and "thunderstuck" by AC/DC) the WHOLE way there. Her daughter said earlier that afternoon "this may be the beginning of the end" so I thought my world was falling apart right then and there. Every time I hit University Avenue I played "Jump Around".
Once I knew she was coming home from the hospital, I thought of her as "safe and sound" so I listened to the song from the Hunger Games. Saturday night of when she was in the hospital, I went back to visit her, but, well, it wasn't a great visit, I listened to "safe and sound" on the way home, and reminded myself that she was going to be okay even though that night wasn't great.

We got more time with her....

Then, I realized we had a bit of a "love affair" going so when I listened to "falling in love with you" (Elvis, and Andrea Boccelli), I'd listened to those with "count on me".

If we didn't see each other for just a day or two, I thought of "its been a long day without you again, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again", so in went "See You Again"

These were the songs that I would think of her when she was still alive.

At the cemetery, I thought of the words "we laid our dead in sacred ground" so I threw in "Home" by Dierks Bentley.

Our time together was "the best days of my life" so in went "Summer of 69".
She loved me so in went "everybody loves me".

"Supermarket flowers" and "this town" went in for the sadness aspects. Although I am not sure what they have to do with her or her and I.

"Then" by Brad Paisley, because as I reflect, its like each "milestone" of our relationship, I thought I loved her (I did!), but, Love increases...

My writing document of our relationship/her and I/her life is called "a long way to the top" and is more of an illusion to Pier Georgio Frasatti's "v'erse l'alto" than rock and roll... still, this song made it in.

Around the time of the HFH graduation "time of your life" by Green day circulated our house a bunch, and she gave me "the time of my life" so that made it in the list.

About a week ago I was flicking though Instagram and someone had linked this on their story and I fell in love with it almost immediately....so beautiful! "if we were vampires"-Jason Isbell and the 400 unit.

When this playlist is on, bring on the tears for me.

I can't go out in public anymore! (a little dramatic, but...)

This is a bit of a dramatic statement, but within the last few days I have realized it to be true....

tonight, I was at vespers (my first time at a monthly thing with a local parish), and I'm mostly just listening to whats happening, and I was feeling alright until they said "May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen"...and I started crying and was basically a wreck for the rest of vespers

a few days ago was my first day on a new "job" where I'm helping take care of a woman who had a stroke, I was at the pharmacy for her, and I don't know, it was just too much to handle going to the pharmacy for someone else.... And I know what you're thinking--- "weren't you just at the pharmacy for yourself a few weeks ago??" well, yes, but I don't know...something about using somebody else's credit card, and signing forms for someone else....I kind of hope the pharmacist didn't notice all the tears in my eyes...

anytime I'm driving and I see a silver colored Chrysler Town & Country van...  and definitely when I see the wheelchair adapted ones... I feel immense angst

last Monday I went to an organ recital, and "for old times sake" I parked where she and I had to park when all the handicap spots were taken and we had to trek through  the parking lot, I walked up/on the wheelchair accessible (but not wide enough!) ramp, I went to the elevator, I stood in the spot where we "sat" for mass..... at an organ recital, I was remembering our trek there for the All Souls Day mass. And, again, just for old times, I literally ran to the bathroom, like I'd have to do when I took her places (I couldn't leave her for more than a few minutes on her own!) Yes, even at a lovely organ recital, there were tears. I also remembered my most recent time at that building---the first mass when we were appointed Bishop Hying....24 ish? or less? a full day? I don't even really remember... after she died, and I was, although glad for a new bishop, not loving life that day.

I feel like as each day goes on, I am filled with more and more angst....

written 6/23/19