Reading Lately....

Still working on my 45 minutes of reading each day habit :)

This list doesn't include blog reading or liturgical year reading.

New books/Current reads/finished:
The Story of Civilization volume III The Making of the Modern World---a gift; I have been learning so much from this! I have this as an audiobook---so good!


Uncle Tom's Cabin---still trucking through this with Librivox, Ignatius Press text and study guide, Kolbe Lesson plans. Really trying to dive into this & learn from it.


The Mass for boys and Girls by Father Joseph Dunney---good, but a bit tedious; finished this.


Servant of God Gwen Coniker by Nancy Martin---still working on. its okay.


The Life of Saint Gemma Galgani by her spiritual director---a few chapters in. haven't really gotten a feel for this book overall.


Catholic Schoolhouse Tour III Science book---a gift. flicked through it and then threw it on my shelf. more of a science experiment book, not much of a reading book.


The Children's Charter by Mother Mary Loyola---very good & insightful; finished this.


Picture book I recently discovered and Like:
-Charming Opal (read with a girl that I babysit  named Opal :). )

all these feelings that I can't explain & random memories

7/30/19 ---- 97 days since she died--wow (almost 100 days. wow)

This week, we are taking care of animals at her daughter's house, and for whatever reason, It always gives me such a shock to see her van there. I'm sure it will haunt me each day that I am there this week.

Today it was a tough sight, when I opened the garage door, and there was the Hoyer lift. what a sight that was. so many memories. I touched the purple hoyer cloth, just because, lost in thought.

Today, I accidentally drove past the apartment not once, but twice. Yikes. It's weird to drive past there, and not go running up to the door, or to not park in "my" spot, or see them sitting out there, or feel that sense of pride and happiness as I would drive past. Its weird because I used to try so hard to drive past there, a place full of so many happy memories for me, now I try to avoid even driving past it because of all of the memories.

Today, I was driving on "Tipperary Road", and although,this didn't happen very many times, I remembered taking that road with her to her daughters, and I'd sing "its a long long way to Tipperary" and she didn't like it. I forgot about that song and about doing that. I forgot about not caring if she found it to be annoying. I forgot about feeling cool and like I could conquer everything.
I know I've driven on that road a few times since she died, but just like that, the memory of singing that song and her being annoyed (and me not caring but thinking I was cool) came back to me. (so, I added this song to my playlist of  songs that remind me of her.)

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How has this become my life? Memories of happy days constantly haunting me.... All these feelings that I can't explain.... Will these memories always haunt me?

July Liturgical Living

Sundays:
Sunday Morning Storyland
Sunday Mass

Some feast days +/ month theme:
Catholic All July booklet (Maybe its because I am missing a certain someone (I am!) (a lot!) or I don't know what, but I have lost much zeal for these booklets since April, the May booklet (which I bought in the hospital), the June booklet, and now the July booklet, they are just not the same anymore. still, they are amazing, and I keep buying them because I want the whole collection, but, much of my zeal for them is gone. I think I am missing a certain someone)

Daily/almost daily:
low mass
a character calendar

Reading sometimes:
with the church volume II
the catholic all year compendium

Calendar:
Tan Books Coil Bound Calendar/Planner
Holy Family Planner

New books:
Catholic All August booklet (I want to have the whole collection)
The Life of St Gemma Galgani by her spiritual director (just barely started reading)
the Mass for boys and girls by Fr Joseph Dunney (finished reading)
Servant of God Gwen Coniker by Nancy Martin (still reading)
(I went to mass where there is a great little bookstore and I couldn't resist making a few purchases :) )

90 days

(written 7/23/19)

Nearly every day I search on my phone "how many days ago was April 24 2019?"; every day I get my answer, and every day I wonder "how can that be?" This morning at mass, I checked my phone "90 days", and again I thought to myself "90 days?! how can this be?!"

These last 90 days have been hard. Trying to get back into routine. When she was in the hospital, my days and nights got all mixed with mixed up sleeping schedules, being up alot/going hard all day, not much sleep, spending a night in the hospital....Busy & full days --- lots of babysitting (lots!!); New "jobs" that just keep coming (who knew I'd ever be taking care of old people?! Listening to the song "night shift" by Jon Pardi like crazy!); new experiences (going to Kansas, being at/learning a lot at the VA hospital); 2 fairs; selling pigs & steers...; my new ability to cry over just about everything--send help!; new books & art; feeling suddenly older; feeling like I don't have enough time for reading (yet I keep buying more books!); feeling like I don't have enough time for writing---trying to get in as much as I can!...trying to get back on track...feeling like an emotional train wreck...so many emotions.... there are so many things that remind me of her....  have Seroquel? sign me up!

Its been 90 days since she died and I'm still struggling greatly....
"this morning I was at the VA hospital...driving from the hospital area is always weird. even Hoyer lifts bring back memories. Driving past QoP, the cemetery and such over there, reminded me of the Trek from AS to the hospital Monday April 15. I just had to see her and be with her. Little did we know what the next ten days would bring us and do to us." (7/23/19)
"...90 days and I still feel like I'm carrying so much "weight"...."(7/23/19)

There is so much that I miss of her/her and I. Our visits, our adventures, our reading, our rosaries; together, just the two of us; watching her/being responsible for her; all the things I did for her; how excited she'd be to see me... "What I would give for another day with [her]. another afternoon together. to run up the sidewalk and have W or M open the door; to let [her] touch my face; to feel all that oxytocin; to text E she said & what we did; to sit on her bed & swing my legs" (7/23/19)

Its weird, in a way, having her Holy family image on my desk and knowing its mine. I love it, and there is a certain level of comfort from looking at it. But still, its a weird feeling knowing its mine. (yes I always wanted my own of it, but never thinking I'd get hers). So strange to look at it and know its mine!

90 days....Yikes!

crying over cars...again

Tonight, I went to her daughters house and I nearly lost my mind. I couldn't believe it----HER CAR was in the driveway. (!) That Silver-colored dodge grand caravan. The one I got yelled at in all those times (some of our worst moments were in that car!). The one I drove to my house after the funeral and thought to myself "last time driving this". The one that is totally wheelchair adapted. The one with the Kansas and "El Dorado" plates. The one I used to get so excited to see in the driveway or at St Marys---and there were a few times I had the thrill of driving past it on Fish Hatchery road!! The one I used to think I was cool when I drove it. I nearly lost my mind when I saw it there. I couldn't believe that it was there. I stopped right in my tracks and had to soak it all in. (and yes, I am still just talking about a car) all the memories---lifting the ramp, the seat belt, feeling tall, going home from St Mary's getting yelled at....

During dinner at the kitchen island, we had a guess-contest for how many miles she put on her wheelchair. I guessed 700, but it was just in the 300s.

Never knew I could do so much crying about cars.....

busy days

This week has been an especially busy week. Last week we had a fair which was great, but very tiring, and a lot of work for me, since it seemed like every superintendent wanted to give me jobs to do. At the fair I had so many texts for babysitting! I definitely felt overwhelmed and anxious for the coming week.

Monday, July 8
made it to low mass
I babysat twice, 5 hours an hour from home, and 3 hours, closer to home right after that.

Tuesday, July 9
babysat in the morning, 9-12; in the afternoon, 12:30-2:30, went home in hopes of regrouping but I had so many texts and emails that I got those done, prepped for the next day, did chores and was off again; I babysat at another house from 5-8:30. The kids kept asking me to bring my swimsuit for Thursday  morning when I babysit them. When I left I figured that for babysitting 3 times in one day, I earned a trip to culvers and my car needed a big drink.

Wednesday, July 10
Babysat in the morning 8:30-1 at the same house as Tuesday afternoon, 1:45-4:25 was watching my new person to take care of (not sure what else to call her)--took her for her first spin in a new scooter and we went for a little expedition, then, did more organizing with her.

Thursday, July 11
babysat 7:30am-1pm with the Tuesday night family, and did in fact, bring my swimsuit. Went home for just a little. Babysat again from 2:45-4:30 to the Tuesday and Wednesday family. Spent the afternoon at a friends house. I was at Mrs KBL's daughters house and I had a moment of panic before I walked in the house---I've been there several times since she died...maybe they just recently did this, or I didn't notice before, but the ramps were gone. (!!) I stopped in my tracks. a reminder that she is gone.
Lice has been going around (with much hysteria) in our homeschool group, and since I was around so many affected families, I thoroughly checked myself for lice, didn't see any, used a robi comb, and then did the overnight olive oil soak.

Friday, July 12
Today, I woke up early and showered in attempt to get all of the olive oil out of my hair.
Went to low mass.
and went to help out a family with 3 month old twins for 6 hours. It was great. My thrill was changing two diapers at one time and calling the boys "little T" and "little M" after my friends's twins.
I'm off to feed steers, and in a few hours, I'm off to babysit again for a few hours.


Although I babysit twice a day very frequently, and have babysat 3x in one day at least 2 or 3 other times, this week was especially interesting because of babysitting twice all the days but Tuesday, and then babysitting three times that day.
I am currently not scheduled to babysit again until Sunday ;)

I am a little exhausted ;)

crying over cars

Lately it seems every where I go, I see those "Braun Ability" adapted vans, and I don't know why, but they make me cry. Its like every time I'm going somewhere I see some of those vans. Its like all of the sudden now they're everywhere.

Saturday night I was driving to the fair, and I past the car shop that her car once got repaired at. I had gone with to pick it up and drive it home. Her daughter and I sat around in that car shop for like an hour.  And, as I drove past that place, some tears came to me.

Sunday afternoon a friend was over switching parts from my Camry to his, and as I sat there watching this mess of a project, and I was thinking of how it was that car that got me to see her at the hospital all those times, in November and in April (except for that one time mom brought me in the van, and then i spent the night at the hospital). I thought of all those nights going home on 14 in the middle of the night, always after midnight when the stoplights were just flashing, and even the night that she died. I took that Camry home in the middle of the night those nights. I thought of the one afternoon, the Monday after Easter, I was so tired (sleep deprivation is real!!). I was desperate for sleep, and when you're desperate, I guess, you do desperate things, and I slept in that Camry in the hospital parking lot before going into the hospital that afternoon.
I thought of all those times watching the tires and hubcaps go from my Camry to his.
I realized, I'll be real sad to see that Camry go for good. and I decided I want to fix the engine and have it back for me (I don't really like my civic much anyways--ANYWAY--she would always correct me on that when I'd say anyways)

...and that's been the theme of crying lately....

June 2019 liturgical living

Reading from....
A Character Calendar (daily) (its still so weird to read this on my own!)
With the Church volume II (sometimes)
Sunday Morning Storyland (Sundays)

Enjoying...
the Catholic All June Booklet (still weird to read this alone!)

New....
Catholic All July booklet
Catholic All September booklet
(its still weird to be getting these booklets just for me)
Holy Family image that I have admired for some time now (still can't believe its mine!!)

Using....
Tan Books Calendar

Making...
a chart for with the church volume I and with the church volume II for what days/when to read it

I've been....
making it to low mass nearly daily
doing some writing when I can

Went to...
an authentic St John the Baptist vigil bonfire + vespers (my first ever)
diocesan ordinations + first mass
a Corpus Christi procession (through the church)

July 4th last year

For days, my siblings have been talking about fireworks, and tonight, I remembered our day together last year. I remember her being sick, and out of it that day. And in the afternoon probably not ever knowing I was there. I remember doing a lot of lying that night.

Last night I was doing some remembering and I think this was the first time that I watched her. This morning I was up super early and I found the notebook of our night together last year.

It was during the Stoughton fair, and I remember being over their in the early afternoon. She was sick, asleep and out of it, and I am pretty sure she never knew that I was there that day. Her daughter came for a little and suggested about fireworks at night, and maybe taking the care giver, and I said I could stay with her. so the deal was made that I would come back that night. I remember E and I leaving the apartment that afternoon being like "see you tonight!"
I thought it would be easy, since she would already be in bed, and I would look in at her and then I could just watch comedy specials on Netflix on her iPad.
When I got there around 8:30, she was in bed as planned but not fully asleep yet. I looked in on her but didn't walk far enough into her room for her to see me. The family and caregiver had left and it was just her and I.
At 8:45 I had made a few notes but soon, duty called.
At 9:35 I was able to make more notes again...."well [she] was fully wake, so duty called. I was in her room for a half hour. She was so confused. The most confused I've seen her in months. She was really just making no sense, but she was still excited to see me. She asked me what I did today. I then convinced her that she was asleep and that she woke up in the middle of the night. She then had me "fix" things in her bed. She wanted a scapular on and when I showed her that she had one on she said "I hope you choke on your scapular in your sleep and die" She then, held my hand and thank me for coming to visit her, and said, "I love you, my dear" and I held her hand and said, "I love you too". I then suggested we say bedtime prayers and she said yes. She couldn't think of what to say so I made some suggestions. when I said "now I lay me down to sleep" she snickered and I said, "what? that's what I say every night" and she said "oh that's cute". I asked if she wanted to say what I say so she said sure. we said now I lay me down to sleep, the apostles creed&  a litany of saints. we then said goodnight and I left the room."
I think, after I made my notes, I fell asleep or maybe I watched something on Netflix. Sometime, around 10:30, the caregiver came back ( I remember being asleep when she came back), and then I left.

Its weird to think that night was just last year. And, I don't know, its weird to think that it was my first time watching her.