I can't go out in public anymore! (a little dramatic, but...)

This is a bit of a dramatic statement, but within the last few days I have realized it to be true....

tonight, I was at vespers (my first time at a monthly thing with a local parish), and I'm mostly just listening to whats happening, and I was feeling alright until they said "May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen"...and I started crying and was basically a wreck for the rest of vespers

a few days ago was my first day on a new "job" where I'm helping take care of a woman who had a stroke, I was at the pharmacy for her, and I don't know, it was just too much to handle going to the pharmacy for someone else.... And I know what you're thinking--- "weren't you just at the pharmacy for yourself a few weeks ago??" well, yes, but I don't know...something about using somebody else's credit card, and signing forms for someone else....I kind of hope the pharmacist didn't notice all the tears in my eyes...

anytime I'm driving and I see a silver colored Chrysler Town & Country van...  and definitely when I see the wheelchair adapted ones... I feel immense angst

last Monday I went to an organ recital, and "for old times sake" I parked where she and I had to park when all the handicap spots were taken and we had to trek through  the parking lot, I walked up/on the wheelchair accessible (but not wide enough!) ramp, I went to the elevator, I stood in the spot where we "sat" for mass..... at an organ recital, I was remembering our trek there for the All Souls Day mass. And, again, just for old times, I literally ran to the bathroom, like I'd have to do when I took her places (I couldn't leave her for more than a few minutes on her own!) Yes, even at a lovely organ recital, there were tears. I also remembered my most recent time at that building---the first mass when we were appointed Bishop Hying....24 ish? or less? a full day? I don't even really remember... after she died, and I was, although glad for a new bishop, not loving life that day.

I feel like as each day goes on, I am filled with more and more angst....

written 6/23/19