Yippee Skippee!!

{this was hers and I always admired it when ever I visited her.
I looked online a bunch and couldn't find it exact thing. I only knew two other people who had it, and they probably got it around the same time that she got it.
Well, tonight, her kids gave it to me as a gift and I am SO EXCITED to have it!!! all I can say is WOW and YIPPEE SKIPPEE!!!!}

this week: new bishop + better days ahead?

{pictures from the night of Vespers}

She died April 24 2019. I was still very sleep deprived, and my sleep schedule off....I remember being up around 5am and scrolling through Facebook before 7am mass to find that we were chosen a new bishop. I went to mass and it was announced there. then we found out he was saying a noon mass, so we all went. I think I slept through most of it...its all a blur, those days were kind of a blur....

I don't know why---maybe from all the storms that night, or maybe its mild depression, or who really knows... the night of vespers with our new Bishop was a hard night. I should really be more excited about having a new bishop but, I may forever associate him with her....
Parking was a disaster to begin with, as I was directed to park in a handicap sport (I nearly lost my mind!). Once in the church, I had some writing time. I really tried to be excited about what was happening. but, even Bishop's homily made me think of her when he said "God never seems to call the qualified, he qualifies the called". (How true it is!)
I was tear eyed the whole night and burst into tears 4 times with the Magnificat, The Salve Regina, "you called John the baptist to give testimony to you by his life and even his death" and "remember those who have died, give them a place of light, happiness and peace".
I was kind of a wreck that night.

I was a bit surprised that I made it through the entire installation mass the next day with no tears.

65 days after her death. I made it through the ordination mass with no tears, but fell asleep during it at least twice and I did not care.
Again, the night of the ordination, I realized that I should have more excitement for the happenings around me, but I'm just so scattered & distracted or something....
I was slightly disappointing that the new priests didn't offer their hands for the kissing of the hands after the first blessings that night, as she was the one who taught me to do that at Father P's first mass year.

Today, at a first mass of a priest whose mom died 10 years ago, I cried each time the new priest or his dad cried. Its like I couldn't hold back tears. and the last time I saw a priest cry, and I think the only time, was at her funeral.

Tomorrow, I had planned on taking her to a Latin mass first mass (since our last first mass was such a success-NOT!). she should be there. I planned to bring her. but she's not. and I'm going "alone". I won't get front row seating like last year and who knows what tears the day may bring.....

our relationship in songs

I only listened to a few of these songs and thought of her when she was still alive. A few weeks after she died, I thought a YouTube playlist was needed, and then I wanted to be able to listen to this playlist anytime and anywhere, so I made a Spotify playlist. I listen to it mostly at night, or when I want to do some writing/think of her.

At the HFH graduation last year, we had to sit at the bottom of the steps as we couldn't get to the top. She wasn't thrilled about it and I kept saying "well offer it up" (like that was somehow helpful...)
She fell asleep and during one of the slideshows this song played: Count on me- Bruno Mars, and it made me think of her and I. This was the first song that made me think of her and I. Starting in the fall I had a monthly Monday night babysitting gig, I'd visit her first, and drive west and sing this song thinking of her.

When she was in the hospital for being unresponsive, I went 80 on 14 to get to her fast. I couldn't take it anymore and just wanted to be with her. I listened to "its the end of the world as we know it" by REM (and "thunderstuck" by AC/DC) the WHOLE way there. Her daughter said earlier that afternoon "this may be the beginning of the end" so I thought my world was falling apart right then and there. Every time I hit University Avenue I played "Jump Around".
Once I knew she was coming home from the hospital, I thought of her as "safe and sound" so I listened to the song from the Hunger Games. Saturday night of when she was in the hospital, I went back to visit her, but, well, it wasn't a great visit, I listened to "safe and sound" on the way home, and reminded myself that she was going to be okay even though that night wasn't great.

We got more time with her....

Then, I realized we had a bit of a "love affair" going so when I listened to "falling in love with you" (Elvis, and Andrea Boccelli), I'd listened to those with "count on me".

If we didn't see each other for just a day or two, I thought of "its been a long day without you again, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again", so in went "See You Again"

These were the songs that I would think of her when she was still alive.

At the cemetery, I thought of the words "we laid our dead in sacred ground" so I threw in "Home" by Dierks Bentley.

Our time together was "the best days of my life" so in went "Summer of 69".
She loved me so in went "everybody loves me".

"Supermarket flowers" and "this town" went in for the sadness aspects. Although I am not sure what they have to do with her or her and I.

"Then" by Brad Paisley, because as I reflect, its like each "milestone" of our relationship, I thought I loved her (I did!), but, Love increases...

My writing document of our relationship/her and I/her life is called "a long way to the top" and is more of an illusion to Pier Georgio Frasatti's "v'erse l'alto" than rock and roll... still, this song made it in.

Around the time of the HFH graduation "time of your life" by Green day circulated our house a bunch, and she gave me "the time of my life" so that made it in the list.

About a week ago I was flicking though Instagram and someone had linked this on their story and I fell in love with it almost immediately....so beautiful! "if we were vampires"-Jason Isbell and the 400 unit.

When this playlist is on, bring on the tears for me.

55 things that I miss

Written 55 days after her death

1.  high masses for special feast days at SMPB (ok...maybe not going home from Father P. lee's first mass, or going home form the Assumption day mass...)

2. Watching Andy Griffith

3. watching the hallmark channel (did I really just say that?!)

4. reading from "A character calendar" together

5. rosaries together

6. reading from the 40 dreams of saint john bosco together

7. her waving to me

8. reading from the catholic all year booklets

9. M's birthday at HuHot (I was SO proud of myself that night!!) + the picture of us sitting at the head of the table that night.

10. eating Cheetos/Doritos together

11. sitting outside together

12. how excited she would be when she would first see me

13. flicking through the smug mug pics on her iPad

14. blessings ourselves with her relics

15. "Oh its you"

16. "oh hi there"

17. sitting next to her on her bed

18. sitting on the edge of her bed with her

19. our hug/kiss/"I love you" goodbye

20. Sunday October 7 2018

21. "I'm so glad that you came today!"

22. "I hate sheds. I hate the word shed."

23. the "gimpy"arm

24. dumping the contents of my day on her

25. learning about her from anyone that I told, every chance that I got!

26. texting friends "look what she said today!"

27. texting her daughter--quotes, questions, happenings

28. texting friends "we said our rosary for you today!"

29. folding Kleenexes just so, putting a jacket on her, organizing & other home improvement projects, wiping Cheetos/Doritos off her fingers/ hands, fixing her rings for her, pulling her sleeves just so for her, raising the blinds approximately halfway... all the tasks

30. racing & rushing from babysitting to get to her

31. being at her daughter's house & with their family

32.watching her. always such a treat!

33. knowing that she loves me

34. M's texts to me of her being awake for the morning

35. asking her questions (many!)

36. her amaziness to bounce back from everything

37. her ability to eat a whole hamburger in one sitting!

38. "I missed you terribly!"

39. waking up thinking of when I could visit her. planning it out all day long too

40. looking over at her as we said our rosary

41. my excitement to visit her-- I couldn't contain myself!

42. her correcting me when I mess up on the apostles creed

43. "why do your steers have to eat twice a day?"
"why do you always have to feed your steers?"

44. me flopping back on her bed dramatically "you're making me feel exasperated!"
"well, you're making me feel exasperated" she'd say back

45. "we could be blood sisters"

46. Briman's Jewelers

47. driving around the neighborhood of the yellow house with her

48. our visits together

49. praying the stations of the cross together

50. going to Ladies of Divine Mercy---one of our very best outings ever

51. her reciting the barefoot boy & other poetry attempts

52. her eating Reeeses/ eating Reeses with her/her excitement for Reeses

53. trying to get her to eat milanos

54. friends asking me how she is

55. "what did you do today?"-me
"Nothing. just waiting for you to come."-her

I can't go out in public anymore! (a little dramatic, but...)

This is a bit of a dramatic statement, but within the last few days I have realized it to be true....

tonight, I was at vespers (my first time at a monthly thing with a local parish), and I'm mostly just listening to whats happening, and I was feeling alright until they said "May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen"...and I started crying and was basically a wreck for the rest of vespers

a few days ago was my first day on a new "job" where I'm helping take care of a woman who had a stroke, I was at the pharmacy for her, and I don't know, it was just too much to handle going to the pharmacy for someone else.... And I know what you're thinking--- "weren't you just at the pharmacy for yourself a few weeks ago??" well, yes, but I don't know...something about using somebody else's credit card, and signing forms for someone else....I kind of hope the pharmacist didn't notice all the tears in my eyes...

anytime I'm driving and I see a silver colored Chrysler Town & Country van...  and definitely when I see the wheelchair adapted ones... I feel immense angst

last Monday I went to an organ recital, and "for old times sake" I parked where she and I had to park when all the handicap spots were taken and we had to trek through  the parking lot, I walked up/on the wheelchair accessible (but not wide enough!) ramp, I went to the elevator, I stood in the spot where we "sat" for mass..... at an organ recital, I was remembering our trek there for the All Souls Day mass. And, again, just for old times, I literally ran to the bathroom, like I'd have to do when I took her places (I couldn't leave her for more than a few minutes on her own!) Yes, even at a lovely organ recital, there were tears. I also remembered my most recent time at that building---the first mass when we were appointed Bishop Hying....24 ish? or less? a full day? I don't even really remember... after she died, and I was, although glad for a new bishop, not loving life that day.

I feel like as each day goes on, I am filled with more and more angst....

written 6/23/19

My First Ever Cultivate What Matters Powersheets planner!!!

 I've had my eyes on this planner for a few years now but always thought it was "too expensive". I bought it last weekend during their 30% off sale! I am excited to try this planner out!!

Busy days

I had every intention of writing here more and tapping the "publish" button more frequently than I have in the past few months, but I am currently in the middle of 2 very busy weeks (about to start week 2 of the busy weeks)

Here is an example of the day in the life of me.... This was a particularly interesting/busy day!

Thursday  June 13- Friday June 14 2019

Thursday Morning:

7am daily mass

work at cloth diaper shop 8:30-12

interview at Memory care place; met a guy who is 99, went through the battle of the bulge and Normandy, and shares the same birthday as me---we sat and talked for 45 minutes!!; visited a friend
rushed around with chores, writing about the exciting afternoon, got ready for the night and next day

went to my brother's rugby banquet

hit the road again to spend the night with a family with 10 week old twins to help with the twins throughout the night.Think I'm living the high life during my night with the twin boys. Remember my dear friend and wondering if this is what life was like for her and her twins. I also named each twin after my friend's twins. :)
I read books to the older kids, got them in bed, said my own night prayers with a twin in my arms, slept some but woke up each time one of the twins cried, changed diapers and rocked babies back to sleep throughout the night. :)

went home the next day, got home at 10:30 am. Did chores, caught up on texts, showered.

12:00-1:45 paid for my car, got gas and worked at cloth diaper shop

2:05-5 babysat three kids for my sister

dashed to stoughton for a grad party

5:56 get a text at the party that I'm looking at a new car at 6:40 (that was the time we were going to meet)
RACE home, do chores in 4 minutes, get my money, drive back to Madison

look at car

buy car (I am now a Honda owner)

go home. hit Wendy's and remember a certain mishaps for my friend and I there. ;)

at home work on "The Death of a Salesman" paper
shower
go back to Madison--feeling so tired!! drive new car home. listen to frightening CD that previous owner left in car.

jump into bed at 10:20!

(extremely spontaneous!) new turkeys!

We were at the vet getting some horse forms signed and they accidentally got 2 turkey chicks in their order of pullets, and, I ended up going home with 2 turkey chicks! and I am pretty excited about them!

an excerpt from a new writing project--- "its a long way to the top"

“This is my story, my giving of thanks.”-Hannah Coulter by Wendell, page 5

I’d spend all day thinking of her. When I woke up, I’d tell myself when I could visit her. At mass, I’d pray for her, and add in “I can’t wait to be with her today!!” to my prayer. Mrs. B or Mrs. McD might ask how she is--- “How is K doing?” they’d say. “Oh she’s great! We had a great time last night.” I’d say. If I was babysitting, and it was time to go, I’d get asked where I was off to next, “Oh Mrs. L’s!!” I’d say.  Those who knew me and my love for her well, knew I either came from her house before getting to their house, or I was motivated and eager to leave their house to get to her. I’d take off driving just so excited to see her I could hardly contain myself. When things got tough babysitting, I’d tell myself when I could see her next. As I got closer to Oregon, all those troubles would melt away—I was going to go see Mrs L!! My excitement would gather as I turned onto County Road CC, it didn’t matter how exhausted I was from whatever I was coming home from, I still gathered up fresh excitement. I really never knew before I walked in the door if we’d have a good day, or a great day, or a bad day, or a good day gone terrible. There was never any way of knowing before I got there. So, I always hoped for a good day for us. I’d park, grab my books, and basically run to the door. I’d knock, “Oh, It’s Frannie, Frannie’s here” W or M would say and open the door to me. I’d bounce right over to her, sometimes she’d be watching TV or “organizing” in her room, I’d bounce over and say “Hi Mrs. L! I missed you!” she’d look at me, smile, and say “Oh Its you” or “oh Hi there”. She would be so excited to see me. And then we’d go about our day. If she was already in bed, I’d sit with her on her bed, or sit on her bed with my legs on the window. If she was in her wheel chair, she’d make a dash wheeling over to her room, and I’d follow after her. We mostly had good or great days together, I learned that an average day is a good day, we had a few bad days, but just a few. We’d read from A Character Calendar, or Butler’s Lives of the Saints, or the Catholic All Year monthly booklets, or, our favorite, the 40 Dreams of Saint John Bosco; we’d say our rosary on our black knotted cord rosaries that I had my friend make especially for us, and she’d correct me when I stumbled on the Apostle’s Creed; I’d tell her the feast day of today; I’d dump all of the contents of my day on her---what babysitting was like, feeding steers, going to daily Low Mass in Paoli and whatever else I’d have going on—she’d take it all in like such a champ; I’d ask her what she did that day …. Sometimes we’d flick through the SmugMug pictures on her iPad, or she’d have me rearrange the mantle, or I’d take down her reliquaries and we’d bless ourselves with them. Once she even had me reorganize her closet for her. If I had a question during our visit, I’d text E. Sometimes J would come over on his way from work, or W and A with some kind of desert, or E and the girls on their way home from Piano. I was there one time when she got a haircut and it felt like the good old days of watching my Grandma cut hair. I was there a few times when T the nurse came, and I really liked P, who came by to wash her hair. We’d go at it for a half hour or so most days, more than that as often if I could, and less if I couldn’t stay long. But, really, it didn’t matter what I had going on that day, I sorted my whole day out making sure I could visit her. I knew the hours she would most likely be awake—about 11am to about 9pm most days, I’d have M text me when she was awake, or bug her by me texting her asking when she was awake. If I was on my way home from babysitting in Verona or Fitchburg at night and I thought she might still be awake, I’d text M saying, “Is Mrs. L still awake???” A few days I visited her twice in one day, and twice we got to see each other three times in one day. It was my lucky day every day I got to see her, and a sad day when I didn’t get to visit her, but every night, I thanked God for her, and I’d pray to see her tomorrow. Life was good. When I would leave, she didn’t like it at all. “Why do your steers have to eat twice a day?!” and “why do you always have to feed your steers?!” she’d say. She’d thank me for coming, ask when I’d come next and tell me to come again. I’d hug her (as best as one could hug her), say “bye, Mrs. L. I love you” and kiss her soft cheek, and she’d do the same to me. If it was warm out, she’d want to wave to me from the side walk, if she was still inside, I’d have to raise the blinds half way (and ONLY half way), show her where my car is, and she’d wave to me from there. I’d leave feeling loved, encouraged and on such an upbeat. I took the same familiar roads back home—Bergemont Boulevard, Lincoln Road, Union Road, and Rome Corners road. I’d play songs from Spotify that reminded me of her. Those nine minutes always seemed to fly by fast when we had a good time together, and when we didn’t, they were definitely not enough minutes to regroup!!  I’d smile and remember with joy the great time we had. I’d even get excited to see her again. At home, I’d text E saying what a great time we had and what things we did together. If she said anything especially funny, I’d text a friend or two what she said. If it was later in the afternoon, I’d feed the steers, and then sit down at my desk and write about our glorious day together. And, the next day, I’d do it again, and it was the most amazing thing ever.