"Wait a little while and the fruit will fall into your hands"-Esperanza Rising
This is going down as one of our best, most wild days together. She was in such a rare form. I have never experienced any thing like this before. This is a side of her that I don't know if I have seen before. She was cracking herself up so much and laughing so hard. This is a day that I want to remember. I took a picture of us together to commemorate this day. We compared our hand sizes, I showed her my stitches scars, I told her about how I singed off some of my thumb hair today, had many laughing fits, listened to the Beatles and we're entertaining each other with some comedy. There she sat, and I sat on a black stool next to her.You can't plan for days like this, they just happen and they are amazing. We had so much fun together! We are such comedians together! When I came home, I was telling my mom all of the things that happened and all of the things that she said in the 2 1/2 hours I was there. I was sitting in our kitchen and I was laughing so hard.
I can't really explain the joy or how grateful I am. I am so glad that she lives so near me. This was an amazing afternoon with her. I had already seen her this morning at Mass. I didn't sit with her but I hung around with her after Mass in the Narthex. I am always so proud to be hanging around with her! She told me that my jacket was "nice" and I helped her to navigate back through the Narthex and church and back to the car. I think she said "hi there" when I said "bye" to her when she was in the car. I wasn't able to do brunch with them all today since I had to babysit for some of the afternoon. On my way home they were watching the packer game. I can't just drive past her house with out stopping in. I hadn't planned on staying long since I wanted to clean out the barn today. But things were going so well, more than well really, and I just couldn't leave. We didn't do our average routine of a rosary, some reading, me telling her the feast day or even flicking through SmugMug on her iPad, but we had a beyond average day. It's not like she had a perfect memory, but it was probably as close to perfect as she can get now. and I still had to adjust things for her 80,000 times. and she still said things that made absolutely no sense, but, this was an amazing day. The dementia was still there, but its almost like it was a little absent for just a while. It was a really good day. I want more days like this with her. I will take every day and every moment like this with her that I can!
Days like this, moments like these with her, make me feel like I could fly. I have more confidence. I beam. I feel like I am on top of the world. I feel refreshed. encouraged. renewed. full of joy. the pain and memories of the bad days, the difficulties, the discouragement all melt away and I think "I want to do this more". "Let's do this again!" , "I want to do so many things with her!" I am on an upbeat. I feel like I've conquered the world. I re-claimed a lot of much needed sanity this afternoon with her!
What is the fruit of my work?
-when she says, "I am so glad that you came today" when I hug her goodbye.
-when she says, "I love you" to me and kisses me on the cheek.
-when her caregiver says, "she was asking for you"
-when I walk in and she gets so excited to see me.
(and, yes, I am already planning what we will do tomorrow...maybe some magazine reading... I won't have too long to stay there but we're going to pack it in. I told her caregiver to text me when she is awake. So I will be awaiting an ever important text. I can't wait to be with her again! I love her so much!)
Showing posts with label Encouragement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Encouragement. Show all posts
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Nearly 7 Months ago:: relflections
I wrote this on the way home from Kenosha tonight. we have finished a weekend full of wedding and family extravaganza. The sun was setting brightly. I had some beats on and my spotify playlist playing. My thoughts were lost in writing reflections...
"nearly 7 months ago, I entered the world of catheters, depends, Hoyer lifts & pill strips. I have learned how to use & steer her wheel chair. She has ran over my feet countless times. I have learned how to get her in & out of a car and have learned to pull the ramp in & out. I can put a zip up jacket on her. It's a process. I know the work and the sacrifice to take care of someone with so many needs.I have entered the world of live-in caregivers and very bad caregivers. I have learned to lie my way through things (the night of 7/4/18 I did a lot of lying) I know the burden of these things. I know how much of a grand event social events can be. I think that quetiapine works amazing wonders. I know that oxycodon really knocks a person out.I think UTIs are terrible. I have learned how to give someone pills. I have seen her tear off parts of the Island counter from the sheer force of her pushing with her wheel chair. I've lost count of the times I've dove to catch a lamp she was whacking into.I can push stools and chairs into place so fast before she hits their path.I can make her a plate of food. And make it look like I didn't cut up the food. When taking her in and out of the church I can open 2 doors at once.
Nearly 7 months ago, I could have never imagined that our relationship would/could be this amazing. I didn't know we would/could get along so well. Or that she would say "I love you" to me every time I leave her. I didn't know she would fall asleep holding my hand.
I've been yelled at by her lots of times. She's been very difficult. I've been so discouraged because of how a day has gone with her. we've had some disastrous adventures. I showed my complete incompetence at the dr's office with her. we've had hard days together. I've taken her bad behavior too personally. I've been so discouraged & wonder why I do good things. "get this strange woman out of my house" she said.
Nearly 7 months ago, I met someone who has taught me many lessons. practical lessons. lessons in charity, and joy. lessons that I can't express in words. lessons of encouragement & triumph.
Nearly 7 months ago, I didn't know where Life would take us, or how she and I would become suite inseparable. we are "the dynamic duo" I said the other night.
"...it is in giving that we receive..." St Francis of Assisi says. "..I discovered that service is joy..."a picture frame in our house says.
God is so good! Life is such a great gift! She is such a great gift to me!"
-9/23/18
"nearly 7 months ago, I entered the world of catheters, depends, Hoyer lifts & pill strips. I have learned how to use & steer her wheel chair. She has ran over my feet countless times. I have learned how to get her in & out of a car and have learned to pull the ramp in & out. I can put a zip up jacket on her. It's a process. I know the work and the sacrifice to take care of someone with so many needs.I have entered the world of live-in caregivers and very bad caregivers. I have learned to lie my way through things (the night of 7/4/18 I did a lot of lying) I know the burden of these things. I know how much of a grand event social events can be. I think that quetiapine works amazing wonders. I know that oxycodon really knocks a person out.I think UTIs are terrible. I have learned how to give someone pills. I have seen her tear off parts of the Island counter from the sheer force of her pushing with her wheel chair. I've lost count of the times I've dove to catch a lamp she was whacking into.I can push stools and chairs into place so fast before she hits their path.I can make her a plate of food. And make it look like I didn't cut up the food. When taking her in and out of the church I can open 2 doors at once.
Nearly 7 months ago, I could have never imagined that our relationship would/could be this amazing. I didn't know we would/could get along so well. Or that she would say "I love you" to me every time I leave her. I didn't know she would fall asleep holding my hand.
I've been yelled at by her lots of times. She's been very difficult. I've been so discouraged because of how a day has gone with her. we've had some disastrous adventures. I showed my complete incompetence at the dr's office with her. we've had hard days together. I've taken her bad behavior too personally. I've been so discouraged & wonder why I do good things. "get this strange woman out of my house" she said.
Nearly 7 months ago, I met someone who has taught me many lessons. practical lessons. lessons in charity, and joy. lessons that I can't express in words. lessons of encouragement & triumph.
Nearly 7 months ago, I didn't know where Life would take us, or how she and I would become suite inseparable. we are "the dynamic duo" I said the other night.
"...it is in giving that we receive..." St Francis of Assisi says. "..I discovered that service is joy..."a picture frame in our house says.
God is so good! Life is such a great gift! She is such a great gift to me!"
-9/23/18
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
WE DID IT AGAIN!
Yesterday we had a great day together! We did it again! We saw each other 3X in one day! What a feat!
Since the day that we saw each other twice in one day, I have wanted to make it so we see each other 3X in one day. On July 4th (2018) we saw each other twice in one day. I don't know if that day counts because in the afternoon she was asleep the whole time and I don't know if she ever even knew if I was there. And at night, I stayed with her so everyone could go to the fireworks. She was in bed already and asleep, but she woke up for awhile and was very confused. Since then we have seen each other twice in one day lots of times. And since then I keep telling her how cool it would be if we could see each other three times in one day.
On September 8th, we were able to see each other 3X in one day! Once I knew it was within reach for me, I just kept making it so I could go over there. On visit #1, she wanted me to take her to Briman's Jewlery in Topeka Kansas. On visit #2, I didn't stay for long but she was in a better mood. On visit #3, we said a rosary and Litany of Loreto in honor of the feast that day (Nativity of Mary). I was eating a banana and she wanted one. when I opened it for her I said,"you want to be just like me right? is your life goal to be just like me?" and she said "oh yes".
Then, life continued, one day last week, Wednesday, we saw each other twice in one hour (That was pretty wild). I keep telling her she might get tired of seeing me and she says she won't. I keep telling the caregivers they might get tired of seeing me and they say "come anytime. we'll be here" (I sometimes tell the caregiver to text me when she is awake so I know how early I can come over). This weekend she had 2 substitute caregivers, and when I met them on Friday afternoon I told them they'd see me over at the house plenty. "We've been warned!" they told me. It was interesting to have different caregivers this past weekend, and to explain to them that I visit her a lot without them knowing me that well. I think after seeing me twice on Friday, and seeing my shrine up at the house, they believed me. When the regular caregiver came back, they told her all about how much I can over and what I did with her.
Yesterday, I didn't plan to see her that many times, but it worked out that way, and I am so glad that it did! from my notebook:
"Trip #1: 12:45-1:15
me: why are you just sitting in the middle of the sidewalk?
her: I'm letting the sun hit my back.
Trip #2: 4-4:30
.....
"I always hate it when you leave"-she said to me.
Trip #3: 6:30-7:30
me: do you know how many times we've seen each other today?
her: no
me: (hold up 3 fingers)
her: oh, I thought it was 4 times.
It was after that we decided that 4X in one day will be our next goal.
The bugs were bad. we sat outside and watched the sunset and talked."
We had a GREAT day yesterday! and I am so glad! It is very encouraging to have great days like yesterday. We did all the usual things too, like me driving past slowly and waving and saying bye. and her sitting on the sidewalk doing the same. Yesterday, It was good to do some writing about our great day together. And a bonus reason why the day was so good, she didn't run over my feet at all! Life is good! I've been feeling on an upbeat with my days with her. ("feeling on an upbeat" is a phrase I have seen in my Grandma's writing, and I like to use that phrase)
Today, I don't know think I'll be able to go over there, and that is sad. So, I'll pray for her, and read through my notebooks about all of the adventures we've had. Maybe, I'll do some writing too. And then, I will be eager, excited and anxious to see her again.
St Catherine Laboure, pray for us!
Since the day that we saw each other twice in one day, I have wanted to make it so we see each other 3X in one day. On July 4th (2018) we saw each other twice in one day. I don't know if that day counts because in the afternoon she was asleep the whole time and I don't know if she ever even knew if I was there. And at night, I stayed with her so everyone could go to the fireworks. She was in bed already and asleep, but she woke up for awhile and was very confused. Since then we have seen each other twice in one day lots of times. And since then I keep telling her how cool it would be if we could see each other three times in one day.
On September 8th, we were able to see each other 3X in one day! Once I knew it was within reach for me, I just kept making it so I could go over there. On visit #1, she wanted me to take her to Briman's Jewlery in Topeka Kansas. On visit #2, I didn't stay for long but she was in a better mood. On visit #3, we said a rosary and Litany of Loreto in honor of the feast that day (Nativity of Mary). I was eating a banana and she wanted one. when I opened it for her I said,"you want to be just like me right? is your life goal to be just like me?" and she said "oh yes".
Then, life continued, one day last week, Wednesday, we saw each other twice in one hour (That was pretty wild). I keep telling her she might get tired of seeing me and she says she won't. I keep telling the caregivers they might get tired of seeing me and they say "come anytime. we'll be here" (I sometimes tell the caregiver to text me when she is awake so I know how early I can come over). This weekend she had 2 substitute caregivers, and when I met them on Friday afternoon I told them they'd see me over at the house plenty. "We've been warned!" they told me. It was interesting to have different caregivers this past weekend, and to explain to them that I visit her a lot without them knowing me that well. I think after seeing me twice on Friday, and seeing my shrine up at the house, they believed me. When the regular caregiver came back, they told her all about how much I can over and what I did with her.
Yesterday, I didn't plan to see her that many times, but it worked out that way, and I am so glad that it did! from my notebook:
"Trip #1: 12:45-1:15
me: why are you just sitting in the middle of the sidewalk?
her: I'm letting the sun hit my back.
Trip #2: 4-4:30
.....
"I always hate it when you leave"-she said to me.
Trip #3: 6:30-7:30
me: do you know how many times we've seen each other today?
her: no
me: (hold up 3 fingers)
her: oh, I thought it was 4 times.
It was after that we decided that 4X in one day will be our next goal.
The bugs were bad. we sat outside and watched the sunset and talked."
We had a GREAT day yesterday! and I am so glad! It is very encouraging to have great days like yesterday. We did all the usual things too, like me driving past slowly and waving and saying bye. and her sitting on the sidewalk doing the same. Yesterday, It was good to do some writing about our great day together. And a bonus reason why the day was so good, she didn't run over my feet at all! Life is good! I've been feeling on an upbeat with my days with her. ("feeling on an upbeat" is a phrase I have seen in my Grandma's writing, and I like to use that phrase)
Today, I don't know think I'll be able to go over there, and that is sad. So, I'll pray for her, and read through my notebooks about all of the adventures we've had. Maybe, I'll do some writing too. And then, I will be eager, excited and anxious to see her again.
St Catherine Laboure, pray for us!
Sunday, September 2, 2018
from my notebooks// some thoughts lately
This was written when we were on our trip to Italy. I wanted to share this because I've been thinking a lot about priests & me praying more for priests lately. I don't know if its because of the recent scandals outbreak (every time I go on Facebook or Instagram I just have articles and such of all kinds coming constantly through my feed about that), or because my seminarian pals are going back to school, or because I saw a seminarian pal the other day (he and I had two different "first week of school" experiences!) or what but this has been on my mind a lot lately, so, I wanted to share this as a letter of encouragement, I guess.
"we are on the train now and our theme for writing is going to be Rome, Assisi & Vocations. I have begun to think that the necessary place (&tool!!) for vocational discernment (for me & women) is here. Its a whole different feel & vibe here. Nuns/sisters, priests & seminarians of all colors, kinds & ages are here and they are everywhere, just going about their life. And there are all of these powerhouse churches & places filled with richness & great history. nuns & priests walking with a rosary in hand, wearing different kinds of garb. the clerical collar. familiarity. Beauty. example. a sense of 'they are just like us' learning and exploring. seeing them all inspires and challenges me to pray for current & future vocations even more. those living out religious vocations here are a sight to be seen. it really is beautiful. vocations are alive here. what an honor for seminarians to study here. what a great blessing. what a gift. what a gift, joy, blessing & service to the church this place is. .....I need to pray for familiar priests more frequently. I need to make a schedule/habit of the spiritual motherhood for priests & seminarians. like mass, Holy Hour & archbishop Brady's prayer for vocations. I need renewed dedication to/for this habit."
-May 2018 (I don't have the exact date)
"...the devil does not want us to succeed, but Christ has already won the victory!"-in a card to me from a new priest in our diocese.
"we are on the train now and our theme for writing is going to be Rome, Assisi & Vocations. I have begun to think that the necessary place (&tool!!) for vocational discernment (for me & women) is here. Its a whole different feel & vibe here. Nuns/sisters, priests & seminarians of all colors, kinds & ages are here and they are everywhere, just going about their life. And there are all of these powerhouse churches & places filled with richness & great history. nuns & priests walking with a rosary in hand, wearing different kinds of garb. the clerical collar. familiarity. Beauty. example. a sense of 'they are just like us' learning and exploring. seeing them all inspires and challenges me to pray for current & future vocations even more. those living out religious vocations here are a sight to be seen. it really is beautiful. vocations are alive here. what an honor for seminarians to study here. what a great blessing. what a gift. what a gift, joy, blessing & service to the church this place is. .....I need to pray for familiar priests more frequently. I need to make a schedule/habit of the spiritual motherhood for priests & seminarians. like mass, Holy Hour & archbishop Brady's prayer for vocations. I need renewed dedication to/for this habit."
-May 2018 (I don't have the exact date)
"...the devil does not want us to succeed, but Christ has already won the victory!"-in a card to me from a new priest in our diocese.
Friday, August 24, 2018
6 months//the story of how we met & the begining of us
"Tomorrow is our 6 month anniversary, you know", I said as I handed her a milano. "that's unique", she said sounding a little less than impressed. She spent most of the time I was there today sleeping so I had the opportunity to think some on the last 6 months of our lives. It is the eve of *our* anniversary after all...
When I knew she was moving back to Wisconsin, I already knew that I'd want to spend time with her and EAL (her daughter) had already been asking if I'd help with rotating for her. I had said yes but what did I know. I knew nothing of her or what taking care of her would entail. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into at all. And its probably a good thing that I had no idea what to expect with/of/from her...
She had arrived back in Wisconsin in early February, some time around the 7th I think, and for whatever reason I wasn't overly-motivated to meet her right away. February 25th. It was a day that I spent at a mineral point youth wrestling tournament and reading through my psychology textbook for most of the day. It did not seem like an important day in my life. My family and I had left home and I was reading/taking notes on "the theology of the body in hour" by Jason Evert. We went to get my sister from a friends house and I went in to get her. at the time this day was clearly not registering as a very important day in my brain as all my note book states is that I met her. She had her wheelchair jacked up with her legs sticking out, her head hung down and she didn't say much to me. We got in the car and I went back to my study.
February 27th. another typical day of State and Local Government class, 12:10 mass & prayer. It was a big day for me, my first day of teaching/helping teach Mrs KBL's grandchildren. What a treat! Mrs KBL, on our second day today, said these words over and over again as I read "Mr Putter and Tabby paint the fence." and went through lessons with the girls, "My mom always said if you know how to read, you will never be lonely." In the days ahead that I spent teaching, she'd be there telling me what to do or making suggestions. Sometimes I'd humor her and say, "is this how you'd teach your kids???" I tried to get to know her in those days and build a relationship with her but I didn't feel like the connection was really happening. about two weeks after we met she was in the hospital for a week. But, in these days, we mostly didn't have much to do with each other. I mostly concentrated on my teaching when I was at the house. but I did slowly begin learning how to meet her (many) demands and know what she means when she says things/what she wants.
I don't remember the day exactly and I couldn't find it in my notebooks. but, some day at the end of March, it was the day we were moving her into her new apartment and I wanted to stay to be a part of that. Lessons were done for the day and there were about 40 minutes there before we took off that I feel like were the first day that she and I were able to connect. at the apartment, I was the only person she would ask for "help" from. April 29th, Holy Thursday, was the first day after her being in her new apartment that I went to go visit her by myself for the first time. In my journal I state, "Today I had the great joy of visiting Mrs KBL this afternoon. I prayed a rosary (the joyful mysteries), the stations of the cross (the cathedral parish version), st Michael prayer, Guardian angel prayer & act of contrition with her...it was a really great experience for me and I feel like I have achieved everything. except, it happened, the glory days are over, she did not know who I was. Well, anyways, that was going to happen sometime...". Holy Saturday was my next attempt at visiting her and she kicked me out of the house. Those next few weeks I visited her every few days and tried to get her to know who I was/like me. It was hard. I really don't know why I kept going there. It's not like I ever questioned why I went there, I just went. Who know why I kept going. We said rosaries, blessed ourselves with her relics, and watched Andy Griffith in those days. Those were the days when things would fall a part and she would come completely unglued often. Yet I was still thinking of ways to spend time with her and what books I could read with her. Hardly any days were a success in those days. But constant repetition on my part paid off as the month of April came to a close, she would be excited to see me every time we saw each other, she'd hug me when I went & tell me to come back soon. We some how became friends. Then, my family and I went to Italy for 2 weeks in May. Every morning I'd wake up in a panic completely worried that she'd forget about me and every night I worried that I would have to do all that work again. I agonized and stressed and was anxious the whole trip. We come home late on a Saturday night-sadly too late to visit her. I saw to it that all my affairs were in order and went to bed. That morning I had the surprise of going to Mass where she goes. When we got to mass, I raced over before mass even started, hugged her and looked at her so she could look me over. "You're back." she said and she beamed. My heart nearly burst and I cried. She remembered me! Nothing mattered after that! That was the happiest Sunday mass ever! After the Italy trip, I increased the amount of times I'd visit her. We began doing more things and I'd take her places. Some time at the beginning of June is when you could say, the rest is history, because now, we are the bestest of friends. Look at us now! Our outings, our many hours together at her house, and my excitement to spend more time with her. We really our best buds, her and I. And I am so very glad that we are and so grateful for our most treasured relationship. I am excited for our future adventures & I hope that we have many more!
When I knew she was moving back to Wisconsin, I already knew that I'd want to spend time with her and EAL (her daughter) had already been asking if I'd help with rotating for her. I had said yes but what did I know. I knew nothing of her or what taking care of her would entail. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into at all. And its probably a good thing that I had no idea what to expect with/of/from her...
She had arrived back in Wisconsin in early February, some time around the 7th I think, and for whatever reason I wasn't overly-motivated to meet her right away. February 25th. It was a day that I spent at a mineral point youth wrestling tournament and reading through my psychology textbook for most of the day. It did not seem like an important day in my life. My family and I had left home and I was reading/taking notes on "the theology of the body in hour" by Jason Evert. We went to get my sister from a friends house and I went in to get her. at the time this day was clearly not registering as a very important day in my brain as all my note book states is that I met her. She had her wheelchair jacked up with her legs sticking out, her head hung down and she didn't say much to me. We got in the car and I went back to my study.
February 27th. another typical day of State and Local Government class, 12:10 mass & prayer. It was a big day for me, my first day of teaching/helping teach Mrs KBL's grandchildren. What a treat! Mrs KBL, on our second day today, said these words over and over again as I read "Mr Putter and Tabby paint the fence." and went through lessons with the girls, "My mom always said if you know how to read, you will never be lonely." In the days ahead that I spent teaching, she'd be there telling me what to do or making suggestions. Sometimes I'd humor her and say, "is this how you'd teach your kids???" I tried to get to know her in those days and build a relationship with her but I didn't feel like the connection was really happening. about two weeks after we met she was in the hospital for a week. But, in these days, we mostly didn't have much to do with each other. I mostly concentrated on my teaching when I was at the house. but I did slowly begin learning how to meet her (many) demands and know what she means when she says things/what she wants.
I don't remember the day exactly and I couldn't find it in my notebooks. but, some day at the end of March, it was the day we were moving her into her new apartment and I wanted to stay to be a part of that. Lessons were done for the day and there were about 40 minutes there before we took off that I feel like were the first day that she and I were able to connect. at the apartment, I was the only person she would ask for "help" from. April 29th, Holy Thursday, was the first day after her being in her new apartment that I went to go visit her by myself for the first time. In my journal I state, "Today I had the great joy of visiting Mrs KBL this afternoon. I prayed a rosary (the joyful mysteries), the stations of the cross (the cathedral parish version), st Michael prayer, Guardian angel prayer & act of contrition with her...it was a really great experience for me and I feel like I have achieved everything. except, it happened, the glory days are over, she did not know who I was. Well, anyways, that was going to happen sometime...". Holy Saturday was my next attempt at visiting her and she kicked me out of the house. Those next few weeks I visited her every few days and tried to get her to know who I was/like me. It was hard. I really don't know why I kept going there. It's not like I ever questioned why I went there, I just went. Who know why I kept going. We said rosaries, blessed ourselves with her relics, and watched Andy Griffith in those days. Those were the days when things would fall a part and she would come completely unglued often. Yet I was still thinking of ways to spend time with her and what books I could read with her. Hardly any days were a success in those days. But constant repetition on my part paid off as the month of April came to a close, she would be excited to see me every time we saw each other, she'd hug me when I went & tell me to come back soon. We some how became friends. Then, my family and I went to Italy for 2 weeks in May. Every morning I'd wake up in a panic completely worried that she'd forget about me and every night I worried that I would have to do all that work again. I agonized and stressed and was anxious the whole trip. We come home late on a Saturday night-sadly too late to visit her. I saw to it that all my affairs were in order and went to bed. That morning I had the surprise of going to Mass where she goes. When we got to mass, I raced over before mass even started, hugged her and looked at her so she could look me over. "You're back." she said and she beamed. My heart nearly burst and I cried. She remembered me! Nothing mattered after that! That was the happiest Sunday mass ever! After the Italy trip, I increased the amount of times I'd visit her. We began doing more things and I'd take her places. Some time at the beginning of June is when you could say, the rest is history, because now, we are the bestest of friends. Look at us now! Our outings, our many hours together at her house, and my excitement to spend more time with her. We really our best buds, her and I. And I am so very glad that we are and so grateful for our most treasured relationship. I am excited for our future adventures & I hope that we have many more!
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
"Its a work of mercy for me to be with you right now."
I've been on an upbeat because the last two days with her have been the greatest days. Complete encouragement & great joy. It's not always like this, Not every day is a good day. Three days ago she said I was "so stupid", five days ago she was "extremely angry" with me, wondering "whats wrong with you?! You're such a snot. I've never seen you like this in all my life." That day I laughed her dramatics off, I thought it was hilarious. But, some days its hard and I get discouraged and I wonder why I even ever do things with her. Dementia is rough. She can be/get very harsh. Things can get burdensome. frustrations. I want to scream, "this is so miserable!" So I wanted to write a letter of encouragement for myself, to emphasize the good (its better to mostly forget the bad), the next time we have a bad day, and I hope not soon, I'll read back on this and remember some things for some comedic relief...
"I hate sheds. I hate the word shed."
"my gimpy arm is in the way." (8/21/18)
"I don't have time for frolicking."
"Those cars were snazzy."
"I can't talk. I'm too tired." (7/23/18)
"I should get a Porsche." (7/23/18)
"We can be blood sisters now."
"Is that thumb too big for you? Because I'm wondering if a smaller one would be better for you?" (7/8/18)
"I hope you choke on a scapular in your sleep and die." (7/4/18)
These quotes should give you a small insight, a very small one, on life with her. Most things she says don't mean anything to me, and some days she is actually hilarious. Sometimes she is mean and you have to say "We don't talk to me like that." Other times, most of the times, she acts like she is my best friend (lets be honest, I am pretty sure she is.) We met on February 25th 2018. we didn't have the greatest start..."get this strange women out of my house." she said on the morning of Holy Saturday. Most days back then she couldn't remember her kids names, she thought her husband was still alive and she was confused about just about everything. But constant repetition on my part paid off as the month of April came to a close, she would be excited to see me every time we saw each other, she'd hug me when I went & tell me to come back soon. Then, my family and I went to Italy for 2 weeks in May. Every morning I'd wake up in a panic completely worried that she'd forget about me and every night I worried that I would have to do all that work again. I agonized and stressed and was anxious the whole trip. We come home late on a Saturday night-sadly too late to visit her. I saw to it that all my affairs were in order and went to bed. That morning I had the surprise of going to Mass where she goes. When we got to mass, I raced over before mass even started, hugged her and looked at her so she could look me over. "You're back." she said and she beamed. My heart nearly burst and I cried. She remembered me! Nothing mattered after that! That was the happiest Sunday mass ever!
Our outings are generally great fun for the both of us, but sometimes I get yelled at and a "You're-so-terrible" speech the whole half hour ride home. We had a streak where we saw each other 22 days in a row. We've seen each other twice in one day lots of times. Sometimes I'm there for hours. Sometimes she sleeps the whole time I'm there. We've had plenty of mishaps and all kinds of adventures together. I've become a master at steering her wheelchair.
I've learned that an average day IS a good day. Our current routine, but also mostly consistent over the last 6 months is: a rosary, blessing ourselves with her reliquaries, watching TV or looking through family picture albums, and doing some reading. We've read through the 40 dreams of st John Bosco twice this summer and two nights ago, we started the Introduction to the Devout life. we are currently on page 9. I have the same missal as her for when we go to mass. Sometimes we read saints stories. Other times we just talk or watch the world go by outside. One week she couldn't remember her name, yet, later that day I was mixing things up on the Apostles Creed and she was able to correct me. Average/ good days, bad days or even great days are not something that we can plan, and they just happen. the joy of doing things with her and achieving experiences with her...I can't really explain it. I try to write about it, but the words don't seem to come. Like high tide and low tide are my days with her. I want to remember the good days, the funny things she's said and all the many lessons I've learn from her-life lessons; lessons in patience, kindness, and in charity; practical lessons too. Its exhausting but oh so satisfying.
I have lots of things I still want to do with her, places I want to take her and a million questions that I want to ask her. I will take as many average/good days as I can, and the great days are just magnificently encouraging. but, really, I try to take things one day at a time with her.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests/Seminarians Resources
The Spiritual Motherhood for priests and seminarians is one of my favorite devotions. When I was younger, but certainly not much younger, I didn't really see the importance of praying for priests with great intensity. Sure, I knew many priests in our diocese with varying degrees of familiarity and I had my favorites and all. And I did pray for priests, sometimes, but it wasn't until 3 or so years ago when I really realized the importance of the priesthood, the great need for priests and the seriousness of the vocation. I had first briefly discovered this devotion through this blog. Back then I had a close friend discerning the priesthood and he is now in the seminary. That's when I really began praying for his vocation, appreciating the priesthood and number of seminarians in my dioceses as well as making a big connection between the current seminarians being priests of the future, my future, and so now, I pray with great intensity with priests and seminarians and try to build strong & strengthen relationships with them. About two years ago I fully discovered this devotion it was through this talk and since then, and many notes and prayers later, I have gathered many resources. For awhile I offered my Tuesday mass for priests/seminarians. Now, its more like a daily thing for me. I usually say the Archbishop Brady Prayer for Vocations as well as one other prayer. And, I am always looking for new ideas to increase this devotion in my own life.
Prayers:
Archbishop Brady's Prayer for Vocations a parish that I regularly attend prays this prayer after the Gospel is read
A Daily Prayer for Priests
Jesus Make Me Worthy book, prayer for priests. I try to say this during/at mass at some point.
Institute of Christ the King when I first discovered this devotion this page was linked so this was the prayer I prayed.
Immaculate Heart of Mary Seminary a close friend of mine is at this seminary right now
Links:
Seven Sisters Apostolate-about, actual website
Msgr Bartylla Homily, vocation story
Talks:
Sensus Fedelium about 2 years ago I re-discovered this devotion through this talk
Reading Material:
Adoration, Reparation, Spiritual Motherhood for Priests this is the booklet that is talked about in the above talk. its a good one to print off and have on hand.
The 40 Dreams of st John Bosco. one of my absolute favorite spiritual reading books. a friend and I read this book almost daily.
This book I just discovered this book today and quickly ordered it from Amazon
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