a trip down memory lane.....

Song Lyrics I've had on my mind lately...."Is it late?-- in remembering I've forgotten of the hour
Come away--watch the sun die in the pine trees, watch the moon rise on the lake It's a land that sets you dreaming if it's dreaming that you do And I wanted you to see the old Wisconsin that I knew." (Wisconsin, Glenn Yarbrough)

I had kind of forgotten about the  day until I started to see all the posts on Facebook, and that's when the day came back to me....

Below: last year's post with new comments bolded

"

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

The proud little caregiver I was so proud of myself that night. I still feel so proud of myself when I think of that night. 

Saturday was her caregiver's birthday, and I knew weeks in advance the party and gifts that were being planned. We set a high standard for gifts for her caregiver this year! I wore my Fiji skirt for the occasion- it seemed like the thing to wear. I haven't worn my Fiji skirt in SO long. I can't remember the last time that I wore it. I should put it back into rotation. We all--her, her caregiver, her caregiver's husband, her daughter, her son in law, six grandchildren and I--went to this restaurant and had other festivities with gift opening ( I wasn't there for that part) and cake/ice cream back at the house. Her caregiver, of course, was all blinged up (those of you who have seen her know what I'm talking about!)  It was another great time with the Fijians--We learned about birthdays in Fiji and her caregiver's  siblings, took lots of pictures & had a great night. I could tell that her caregiver really enjoyed everything! And, to my good luck, there was no cavva going around the table that night!(A relief for me! Our first experience with Cavva this summer got mixed reviews from us all!) At the restaurant (Hu-Hot Grill in Middleton for the locals--it was my first time there and it was kind of fun!) I hardly left her side. I miss those days of being right there with her. I sat right next to her and did everything that I could to help her out with her food, root beer and such (meaning, picking up food that she dropped on herself about every 45 seconds (that's not an exaggeration!), holding her glass while she drank every 5 minutes, positioning her bowl and thumb just so I forgot about how she had me do this!!, getting her new food.... I miss doing all of these things so much!!) The whole night had gone so well!  She was such a trooper! I was really impressed! For the second time, I put a jacket on her, and this was my first time by myself. I am still so proud of myself for this achievement. (The last time it took 10 minutes with someone else doing it too) I was mighty pleased that I did it all by myself and was so efficient. (You try to put a jacket on someone who is wheelchair bound and has no use of one arm--its quite the challenge!) Then, I was steering her out of the restaurant, I took her through the doorways--why do they make those things so narrow?! and as I was doing that I was mighty proud of myself and how the night had gone with her. "I am the proudest little caregiver ever" is what I thought to myself. Once we were on the sidewalk the proud little caregiver got a swallow of humility, when the proud little caregiver ran over her foot twice in about  30 seconds. WHY did I do that to myself?! (Of course she has ran over my feet or smashed into them lots of times over the last months, usually when this happens my foot will hurt just for 10 minutes-a few hours.) but, days later, the proud little caregiver's foot is still hurting!!! (I proudly showed her my bruised up foot the next day.) (It seems to make my foot worse to wear shoes--like dress shoes, so the last two days I have tried to just wear flip-flops when not at home I forgot about this detail!, but of course it has suddenly turned to winter in Wisconsin! Had to scrape off my car this morning for the first time this season, so feeling that Winter vibe this year, too.) Back at the house when we had cake/ice cream, I put her and I at the head of the table there is a picture of her and I from that night as big shots at the head of the table and I. love. it. and I was mighty pleased with myself that night!  It was a late night for her (and especially myself!) but everything was such a success! I wish we could have a successful repeat of that night, but sadly, we can not. 
 And, to top this all off, her caregiver and her husband might be taking a few hours off in the next week or so to go out and they are planning on having ME (!!!) come and take care of her while they are gone! What a thrilling treat that would be!! Just say the words guys, and I'll be over there in a flash!! I used to get so excited at the slightest mention of me staying with her. Just her and I!!! It was like the possibilities were endless for what we could do!

Today, I woke up with a sore throat (I think I got it from a kid I babysat on Sunday) and a headache (which is a common thing for me), so I texted her caregiver that I wouldn't come over today because I didn't want to risk getting her sick. And its basically killing me not being able to go over there today!!! I am feeling much better tonight already and am eager & anxious to see her again! We have so much to do together!

In a week it will be 9 months since we met and I have many reflections on our relationship swirling around my head. We've come such a long way, and who would have ever known that we would be such buds?" I used to say that a lot: "Who would have ever known that we would be such buds?" We were buddies, and I miss having her so much. 

The memories are hard, sad, and an empty feeling all at once. My own feelings and emotions are a lot to handle, sometimes. 

I am glad that I wrote so much down. Some how, having my own writing to read helps. Today, I made an album of all the pictures of her/us on my phone. Between picture-looking at, and reading my own writings, I do a lot of crying. 

Thanks for taking a trip down memory lane with me!

October 2019: Taco Bell Burrito, Music lately & car troubles that continue

I try to write "daybook" updates every few weeks to note seasonal, daily and weekly changes in my life. These kinds of updates are not particularly detailed and are quite random.

I found myself at the Taco Bell Drive in, with a cloudy, rainy world outside of the Rental car that we were in..... and I thought to myself: "I haven't had a burrito in like 5 months!" suddenly the memories and feelings came back to me....all of those burritos I had at the hospital. the burritos that became  my favorite thing to get at the cafeteria. the burrito I started to have just hours before she died.... I remembered the trek down to the cafeteria from the various hospital rooms she was in. I remembered the skaters that the kids wore. I remembered the cafeteria and how I think that the UW hospital has a great cafeteria.
(I'm trying to make that whole I-was-at-taco-bell-thing a little more poetic, but, for now, its a just a blurb)



Songs I've been loving:
-Wisconsin by Glenn Yarbrough (since I've been driving the truck a lot, I've been listening to dad's music and have really come to love this song over the past few days, and am starting to memorize it :)
-still been into the Beetles
-Everybody wants to rule the world
-one piece at a time by Johnny Cash (my car theme song----civic has been having radiator problems, but is not working again because my brother "bled the lines" (whatever that means) and an engine was found for my Camry---so, that means we will rebuild it soon!)

Comedy Lately:
-Chris Fleming/Gayle Videos---baby got back, D batteries----hilarious!

Trying:
-st John's wort....not sure  if it does anything/if its doing anything yet.... I have been taking it for 5 days. I decided I will try it for a month and then see if it helps after that.


Fall is coming too fast for me. I am still working on using my cultivate what matters powersheets and just hit my first 3 month reset (I haven't been using the monthly pages once a month...just when ever a I feel the need to regroup (which is a frequent feeling!) but I go through the sheets every few weeks.)

Looking forward to....
-an upcoming wedding
-rebuilding my camry
-getting rid of my civic (yay!)

end of September daybook// wake me up when September ends, part two

My life keeps happening at such a fast pace---sometimes I feel as if I can hardly keep up, or that I'm just trying to get to the next thing. I like writing "daybook" like posts every so often to remind me of progress, and see the big picture better.

New books:
Catholic All....Day, November, December, Christmas Novena, Hymns and Carols for Advent and Christmas. I have already used the "Catholic All Day" booklet and thought it was a nice addition to my mass bag.

New Skills/experiences:
This week I learned how to milk a goat, and this Sunday & Monday, I will be milking that goat.
Watching someone have a sugar crash. That was interesting.
I got to drive a Ford Transit on Tuesday night---that thing was a bus! so huge!

Been listening to:
-The Beetles (particularly, "Hey Jude", "Revolution", "She Loves you")
-Man/Opposable Thumb from Good Burger
-Bonnie Rideout G'ime Elbow Room CD
-Green Day songs (wake me up when September ends, and 21 guns, mostly)
-The William Tell Overture by Hans Zimmer/from the Long Ranger

I have been eating a lot of:
smoothies in a mason jar (magnesium powder/raw eggs/ bananas/ strawberries/apple juice/kefir/blueberry/raspberry/yogurt/spinach smoothies)

New things:
Today I bought a bottle of St John's Wort and am going to try taking that.
Mrs Meyers Clean Day Every day multi surface spray

Trying out:
White vinegar cleaning spray

Using more:
My cultivate what matters powersheets planner.
My new Instagram account for faith & the liturgical year.
Pinterest
The Library

Enjoying:
Reading/Writing time on Thursdays at the Stoughton High School while my brother has band practice
Hiding a case of root beer in my Camry.
Sundays
Cross country meets
Wednesdays, 9:30-12, teaching a second grader. Each week so far has included 20 minutes of science experiments (!)
Little workouts here and there

Not loving:
the Catholic Schoolhouse co-op I babysit at
That my home button on my phone is even more broke
school


Still trying to get my act together:
Missing a certain someone---every day! Listening to my "FMR 2" playlist nearly every day. Still feeling many angsty feelings as the days go on. trying to be intentional about ingredients in smoothies. trying to rest and recharge even more. attempting little lifestyle changes. going to try out St John's Wort. Since M is still under construction, I keep accidentally driving past the apartment, which always brings me many tears. I feel like I am getting worse about replying to emails---if getting worse was actually possible! I used to reply the same day as I received an email, but these days.....you'd be lucky to get a reply within a week... (also-don't email me babysitting requests!!) Recently I have been waking up with "kind of a headache" and Thursday I had a really bad tension headache, so that's helping my cause. I'm going to get a massage on Sunday, so that should help a lot. still wondering/fighting the feeling "is this depression?". I read the book "a catholic guide to depression" this past week, which has made me think no, but still, I've been trying to fight these mental..."challenges"(?)/feelings as depression....increasing serotonin, tryptophan and dopamine as much as I can (through foods) and getting magnesium powder in me. Trying to get more organized about this all.... sometimes I wonder: "is this the new normal?"....trying to work on my attitude/a mental game plan...
Still wondering when this "September" will end.... will things ever be the same again? (probably not)

in more cheerful news....

VERY soon I am replacing the engine in my Camry and am very excited for that!!

Babysitting has been aplenty, with more overnights, and more time with twins too. We are on week 3 of Catholic Schoolhouse starting again, and 2 other new babysitting deals that started for the school year. I also started up a weekly teaching with a 2nd grader once a week, so that is fun. Babysitting lately has meant lots of driving around, which has also been fun, and I do wish I had a Red Ford Expedition.

I bought my first ever Moby Wrap, its Olive Green, and it was my first purchase off of Facebook Marketplace, and I felt really good about the purchase, because the woman and I had 3 mutual friends from varied parts of my life. The Moby, which I have not had experience with wearing prior to my purchase, feels very comfortable and a lot like wearing a Moby.
I have my first 2 ergos--- a mint/black one that I need to sew up a little, and my favorite colors on an ergo, black and camel. Tomorrow I hope to try out one of my new ergos.

the end of August has meant the start of cross country and other fall sports for our family. I am looking forward to go to a few friday night football games.
the end of August has meant the start up of school, at home for some of us, community college for others, and online school for two of us.

I made a new Instagram account (a second account really) for record keeping and Idea sharing of how I live the Liturgical year. It feels pretty bare and sparse so far, but I am sure it will fill up soon.

I've gotten into audiobooks again and listen to them often. I've gotten into classical music again, and listen to it a lot. I have almost finished my show on Netflix, and will be ready to start a new one soon. I've still been doing some reading, but nothing particularly exiting.

I went to an apple orchard for the first time with friends this past weekend.

A few weeks ago I started using Google Calendars which feeds into my ical for the first time. Using google calendars and iCal are new for me.

Sunday, the home screen button on my phone fell off, so now I guess i really need to prioritize getting a new phone...

This afternoon I am off to the library, cross country practice to play with a new buddy and then, more driving around, and then babysitting, until I crash in bed tonight!

145 days// wake me up when September ends

A sort of whine-y ramble... thoughts that take up space in my head....

wake me up when September ends---I've been listening to, and thinking of this song a lot lately, and even added it to my Spotify and YouTube playlists. In a way its me wanting to escape reality, and "waking up" when the hard times are over. but, also, I don't want to forget February 25th 2018-April 24th 2019 (although the days since has been hard, some of it has been good) When I first found this song, September was in the future, but, now, September is now. Its kind of like a motto or a fight song-wake me up when September ends.

145 day--how can it be? The days seem to be speeding by, and I'm still trying to get back into routine, and organized and such. It still feels like I just got back home from Kansas, but that was in May! There are so many times I've felt, "my act hasn't been together since April 15th", or ".....this area of my life has been such a mess since April 15th".... One of these areas was the barn/yard right near it. The place has been a disaster, and just kept getting worse, but it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, so I just left it a mess. When people would come over, I'd say, "excuse the mess, I haven't had a chance to organize in here", but I don't know if that excuse works anymore. It kind of went on for too long. Thankfully, yesterday, as part of winter prep or whatever, they whole family was out there doing some major tidying.
I never email people back in any sort of a timely manner, but I have gotten better about texting people back. My bookshelves always look like a mess and they need some major help. The burn barrel hasn't been lit since who knows when. I still feel like I'm "barely keeping up" (although, in reality, I'm probably actually doing fine...)
The feeling of zero motivation for just about everything and anything still persists. The anxiety over driving past her apartments still persists. The anxiety of the the intersection of D and CC is still as strong as ever. A week or so ago, i kept remembering a story of her speeding on Fish Hatchery road, and I wanted to speed on the turns on Fish Hatchery road.
"its an empty feeling, isn't it?" her daughter texted me the afternoon after the night she died (she died in the night), and I keep feeling that empty feeling. Its not like I don't have friends, because I do have lots, but, things are just not the same anymore. It is a little lonely not having someone who doesn't mind hearing every little dramatic detail of your day, every day.

Just last night and this morning, I watched Green Book on DVD, a movie she saw in theater. I remember because the caregivers were like "tell us what to go see at the movie theater". So, I pulled out her iPad, found Green Book, which seemed like the mostly likely thing she'd like out of all the options, but what did I know. This was in the days, well, it was just a few weeks really, that the three of them discovered the $5 movies at the theater, and, they went every Tuesday. It would have been a weird movie for us to experience together, but I did really like Green Book. It was so good, and funny, and so Italian.

Our relationship, it all happened to fast, and it was all so great, and then it ended just like that. Its sad to know that its all over with. I cry less frequently than I did, even 100 days ago, but I still cry so easily. There are a lot of things and places that remind me of her, and it probably doesn't help that i listen to a whole playlist of songs that remind me of her nearly every day.

I am excited to rebuild the engine on my Camry, and have that back up and running, since now that car reminds me of driving to the hospital so many times.

Now, I babysit twins who were born after she died, it would be SO fun to be getting twin advice from here! And show her the pictures of me holding both at the same time.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and I wish I could ask her.... like about motivating kids....and disciplining kids (although I sometimes text her daughter saying "what your mom do about this?")... I can still hear her voice saying "always fold your veil in a triangle" when I walk out of the church and I never, ever dog ear books.

memories from last year

This morning, I couldn't decide to bring my missal to mass or not, and I was trying to remember where I went to mass for this feast day last year. I remembered that it was with Mrs L. Then, I tried to remember what it was like. I remembered the ride home being bad because of her seat belt being on her. I remember calling a friend to see if I could go to their house the next day when I was going to go to the butcher to pick up pork. I remembered her not talking to me on the way home. on purpose. I remember the sky and sunset being especially nice that night. I decided that I needed to find my notebook from that day.

At babysitting for the day, I had the chance to make some notes (reading time is my favorite time of the day!). I forgot that in getting there, I'd drive past her apartment. I didn't realize that I would until I was almost there.It was weird going past there. It was a different feeling than going there after mass when she was alive. I used to be so excited going past there even knowing that she would be sleeping and that I'd see her later that day. It was a different kind of feeling this morning. kind of an empty feeling, I guess. Its just so weird driving past the apartment.

By the time night came, I had forgotten to look for the notebook from last year. Until I was listening to the live stream of Fr Z's sermon for the feast tonight. And when I heard his voice, I remembered that he said the sermon for this feast day last year. So I went on a search for my notebook.

My first notes for the night were..."...Mrs L. and I made it to mass. Things are going smoothly..."
When I read my notes from the ride home, that's when the tears hit suddenly for me.
"What's wrong with you?! You're such a snot. I've never seen you like this in all my life." (all this because I put her seat belt on her) (this is what she always said to me when I put the seat belt on her, that, and "you're so terrible!")

"I thought I was in for her yelling at me the whole ride home."

"Halfway home---
me: are you still mad?
her: no. I don't get mad.
me: are you aggravated?
her: I am extremely aggravated."

"when we got home---
me: are you still mad?
her: I am extremely angry."

"for whatever reason I find this all completely hilarious & can't stop laughing about it all."
(its a good thing that I didn't let the ride home discourage me!)

{8/15/18}

Right now, I'd do anything to have this day again. What I would do for us to go to mass together again. What I would do to even get yelled at by her again.These are the days that I miss.
Its so crazy to reflect on this day last year.

crying over cars (still); some other happenings

Last week, I heard the story of the song at the scaffold on audio (the story of civilization volume 3), and was inspired to read the actual book. I can only hope to have that kind of accepting joy like the nuns had, when I am about to do something I don't want to!


Last week, I took a trip for 8 days to visit/babysit for a family I used to babysit more regularly. They just had their 6th baby in July. I live life fast & hard chasing the 2 year old around all day, playing with the other kids, holding the baby, and eating Popsicles + hanging out with their mom each night. This made for exhausting days, but it was great trip!


On the trip, I was walking home from an afternoon out with the two year old in the stroller. We turned from the library, and there was a silver grand caravan braun ability adapted van, and all of a sudden, the tears came hard for me. I cried the whole walk back to the house. Jeremiah kept saying "Don't crying Miss Frannie" and it was maybe the cutest thing ever. It IS a little frustrating how much crying I do over cars these days....


In other car notes, I am pretty close to rebuilding the engine on my Camry, so I will hopefully have that back soon.


Liturgical Living this month:
this was the first time I did this/knew about this---the Portuincula Indulgence
+ the regular things


got the steers butchered this week. picked up the pork from the pigs. and now all I can think about is getting more steers and more pigs. I'm quite bored with just one turkey ;)

Reading Lately....

Still working on my 45 minutes of reading each day habit :)

This list doesn't include blog reading or liturgical year reading.

New books/Current reads/finished:
The Story of Civilization volume III The Making of the Modern World---a gift; I have been learning so much from this! I have this as an audiobook---so good!


Uncle Tom's Cabin---still trucking through this with Librivox, Ignatius Press text and study guide, Kolbe Lesson plans. Really trying to dive into this & learn from it.


The Mass for boys and Girls by Father Joseph Dunney---good, but a bit tedious; finished this.


Servant of God Gwen Coniker by Nancy Martin---still working on. its okay.


The Life of Saint Gemma Galgani by her spiritual director---a few chapters in. haven't really gotten a feel for this book overall.


Catholic Schoolhouse Tour III Science book---a gift. flicked through it and then threw it on my shelf. more of a science experiment book, not much of a reading book.


The Children's Charter by Mother Mary Loyola---very good & insightful; finished this.


Picture book I recently discovered and Like:
-Charming Opal (read with a girl that I babysit  named Opal :). )

all these feelings that I can't explain & random memories

7/30/19 ---- 97 days since she died--wow (almost 100 days. wow)

This week, we are taking care of animals at her daughter's house, and for whatever reason, It always gives me such a shock to see her van there. I'm sure it will haunt me each day that I am there this week.

Today it was a tough sight, when I opened the garage door, and there was the Hoyer lift. what a sight that was. so many memories. I touched the purple hoyer cloth, just because, lost in thought.

Today, I accidentally drove past the apartment not once, but twice. Yikes. It's weird to drive past there, and not go running up to the door, or to not park in "my" spot, or see them sitting out there, or feel that sense of pride and happiness as I would drive past. Its weird because I used to try so hard to drive past there, a place full of so many happy memories for me, now I try to avoid even driving past it because of all of the memories.

Today, I was driving on "Tipperary Road", and although,this didn't happen very many times, I remembered taking that road with her to her daughters, and I'd sing "its a long long way to Tipperary" and she didn't like it. I forgot about that song and about doing that. I forgot about not caring if she found it to be annoying. I forgot about feeling cool and like I could conquer everything.
I know I've driven on that road a few times since she died, but just like that, the memory of singing that song and her being annoyed (and me not caring but thinking I was cool) came back to me. (so, I added this song to my playlist of  songs that remind me of her.)

-----------------
How has this become my life? Memories of happy days constantly haunting me.... All these feelings that I can't explain.... Will these memories always haunt me?

July Liturgical Living

Sundays:
Sunday Morning Storyland
Sunday Mass

Some feast days +/ month theme:
Catholic All July booklet (Maybe its because I am missing a certain someone (I am!) (a lot!) or I don't know what, but I have lost much zeal for these booklets since April, the May booklet (which I bought in the hospital), the June booklet, and now the July booklet, they are just not the same anymore. still, they are amazing, and I keep buying them because I want the whole collection, but, much of my zeal for them is gone. I think I am missing a certain someone)

Daily/almost daily:
low mass
a character calendar

Reading sometimes:
with the church volume II
the catholic all year compendium

Calendar:
Tan Books Coil Bound Calendar/Planner
Holy Family Planner

New books:
Catholic All August booklet (I want to have the whole collection)
The Life of St Gemma Galgani by her spiritual director (just barely started reading)
the Mass for boys and girls by Fr Joseph Dunney (finished reading)
Servant of God Gwen Coniker by Nancy Martin (still reading)
(I went to mass where there is a great little bookstore and I couldn't resist making a few purchases :) )

90 days

(written 7/23/19)

Nearly every day I search on my phone "how many days ago was April 24 2019?"; every day I get my answer, and every day I wonder "how can that be?" This morning at mass, I checked my phone "90 days", and again I thought to myself "90 days?! how can this be?!"

These last 90 days have been hard. Trying to get back into routine. When she was in the hospital, my days and nights got all mixed with mixed up sleeping schedules, being up alot/going hard all day, not much sleep, spending a night in the hospital....Busy & full days --- lots of babysitting (lots!!); New "jobs" that just keep coming (who knew I'd ever be taking care of old people?! Listening to the song "night shift" by Jon Pardi like crazy!); new experiences (going to Kansas, being at/learning a lot at the VA hospital); 2 fairs; selling pigs & steers...; my new ability to cry over just about everything--send help!; new books & art; feeling suddenly older; feeling like I don't have enough time for reading (yet I keep buying more books!); feeling like I don't have enough time for writing---trying to get in as much as I can!...trying to get back on track...feeling like an emotional train wreck...so many emotions.... there are so many things that remind me of her....  have Seroquel? sign me up!

Its been 90 days since she died and I'm still struggling greatly....
"this morning I was at the VA hospital...driving from the hospital area is always weird. even Hoyer lifts bring back memories. Driving past QoP, the cemetery and such over there, reminded me of the Trek from AS to the hospital Monday April 15. I just had to see her and be with her. Little did we know what the next ten days would bring us and do to us." (7/23/19)
"...90 days and I still feel like I'm carrying so much "weight"...."(7/23/19)

There is so much that I miss of her/her and I. Our visits, our adventures, our reading, our rosaries; together, just the two of us; watching her/being responsible for her; all the things I did for her; how excited she'd be to see me... "What I would give for another day with [her]. another afternoon together. to run up the sidewalk and have W or M open the door; to let [her] touch my face; to feel all that oxytocin; to text E she said & what we did; to sit on her bed & swing my legs" (7/23/19)

Its weird, in a way, having her Holy family image on my desk and knowing its mine. I love it, and there is a certain level of comfort from looking at it. But still, its a weird feeling knowing its mine. (yes I always wanted my own of it, but never thinking I'd get hers). So strange to look at it and know its mine!

90 days....Yikes!

crying over cars...again

Tonight, I went to her daughters house and I nearly lost my mind. I couldn't believe it----HER CAR was in the driveway. (!) That Silver-colored dodge grand caravan. The one I got yelled at in all those times (some of our worst moments were in that car!). The one I drove to my house after the funeral and thought to myself "last time driving this". The one that is totally wheelchair adapted. The one with the Kansas and "El Dorado" plates. The one I used to get so excited to see in the driveway or at St Marys---and there were a few times I had the thrill of driving past it on Fish Hatchery road!! The one I used to think I was cool when I drove it. I nearly lost my mind when I saw it there. I couldn't believe that it was there. I stopped right in my tracks and had to soak it all in. (and yes, I am still just talking about a car) all the memories---lifting the ramp, the seat belt, feeling tall, going home from St Mary's getting yelled at....

During dinner at the kitchen island, we had a guess-contest for how many miles she put on her wheelchair. I guessed 700, but it was just in the 300s.

Never knew I could do so much crying about cars.....

busy days

This week has been an especially busy week. Last week we had a fair which was great, but very tiring, and a lot of work for me, since it seemed like every superintendent wanted to give me jobs to do. At the fair I had so many texts for babysitting! I definitely felt overwhelmed and anxious for the coming week.

Monday, July 8
made it to low mass
I babysat twice, 5 hours an hour from home, and 3 hours, closer to home right after that.

Tuesday, July 9
babysat in the morning, 9-12; in the afternoon, 12:30-2:30, went home in hopes of regrouping but I had so many texts and emails that I got those done, prepped for the next day, did chores and was off again; I babysat at another house from 5-8:30. The kids kept asking me to bring my swimsuit for Thursday  morning when I babysit them. When I left I figured that for babysitting 3 times in one day, I earned a trip to culvers and my car needed a big drink.

Wednesday, July 10
Babysat in the morning 8:30-1 at the same house as Tuesday afternoon, 1:45-4:25 was watching my new person to take care of (not sure what else to call her)--took her for her first spin in a new scooter and we went for a little expedition, then, did more organizing with her.

Thursday, July 11
babysat 7:30am-1pm with the Tuesday night family, and did in fact, bring my swimsuit. Went home for just a little. Babysat again from 2:45-4:30 to the Tuesday and Wednesday family. Spent the afternoon at a friends house. I was at Mrs KBL's daughters house and I had a moment of panic before I walked in the house---I've been there several times since she died...maybe they just recently did this, or I didn't notice before, but the ramps were gone. (!!) I stopped in my tracks. a reminder that she is gone.
Lice has been going around (with much hysteria) in our homeschool group, and since I was around so many affected families, I thoroughly checked myself for lice, didn't see any, used a robi comb, and then did the overnight olive oil soak.

Friday, July 12
Today, I woke up early and showered in attempt to get all of the olive oil out of my hair.
Went to low mass.
and went to help out a family with 3 month old twins for 6 hours. It was great. My thrill was changing two diapers at one time and calling the boys "little T" and "little M" after my friends's twins.
I'm off to feed steers, and in a few hours, I'm off to babysit again for a few hours.


Although I babysit twice a day very frequently, and have babysat 3x in one day at least 2 or 3 other times, this week was especially interesting because of babysitting twice all the days but Tuesday, and then babysitting three times that day.
I am currently not scheduled to babysit again until Sunday ;)

I am a little exhausted ;)

crying over cars

Lately it seems every where I go, I see those "Braun Ability" adapted vans, and I don't know why, but they make me cry. Its like every time I'm going somewhere I see some of those vans. Its like all of the sudden now they're everywhere.

Saturday night I was driving to the fair, and I past the car shop that her car once got repaired at. I had gone with to pick it up and drive it home. Her daughter and I sat around in that car shop for like an hour.  And, as I drove past that place, some tears came to me.

Sunday afternoon a friend was over switching parts from my Camry to his, and as I sat there watching this mess of a project, and I was thinking of how it was that car that got me to see her at the hospital all those times, in November and in April (except for that one time mom brought me in the van, and then i spent the night at the hospital). I thought of all those nights going home on 14 in the middle of the night, always after midnight when the stoplights were just flashing, and even the night that she died. I took that Camry home in the middle of the night those nights. I thought of the one afternoon, the Monday after Easter, I was so tired (sleep deprivation is real!!). I was desperate for sleep, and when you're desperate, I guess, you do desperate things, and I slept in that Camry in the hospital parking lot before going into the hospital that afternoon.
I thought of all those times watching the tires and hubcaps go from my Camry to his.
I realized, I'll be real sad to see that Camry go for good. and I decided I want to fix the engine and have it back for me (I don't really like my civic much anyways--ANYWAY--she would always correct me on that when I'd say anyways)

...and that's been the theme of crying lately....

June 2019 liturgical living

Reading from....
A Character Calendar (daily) (its still so weird to read this on my own!)
With the Church volume II (sometimes)
Sunday Morning Storyland (Sundays)

Enjoying...
the Catholic All June Booklet (still weird to read this alone!)

New....
Catholic All July booklet
Catholic All September booklet
(its still weird to be getting these booklets just for me)
Holy Family image that I have admired for some time now (still can't believe its mine!!)

Using....
Tan Books Calendar

Making...
a chart for with the church volume I and with the church volume II for what days/when to read it

I've been....
making it to low mass nearly daily
doing some writing when I can

Went to...
an authentic St John the Baptist vigil bonfire + vespers (my first ever)
diocesan ordinations + first mass
a Corpus Christi procession (through the church)

July 4th last year

For days, my siblings have been talking about fireworks, and tonight, I remembered our day together last year. I remember her being sick, and out of it that day. And in the afternoon probably not ever knowing I was there. I remember doing a lot of lying that night.

Last night I was doing some remembering and I think this was the first time that I watched her. This morning I was up super early and I found the notebook of our night together last year.

It was during the Stoughton fair, and I remember being over their in the early afternoon. She was sick, asleep and out of it, and I am pretty sure she never knew that I was there that day. Her daughter came for a little and suggested about fireworks at night, and maybe taking the care giver, and I said I could stay with her. so the deal was made that I would come back that night. I remember E and I leaving the apartment that afternoon being like "see you tonight!"
I thought it would be easy, since she would already be in bed, and I would look in at her and then I could just watch comedy specials on Netflix on her iPad.
When I got there around 8:30, she was in bed as planned but not fully asleep yet. I looked in on her but didn't walk far enough into her room for her to see me. The family and caregiver had left and it was just her and I.
At 8:45 I had made a few notes but soon, duty called.
At 9:35 I was able to make more notes again...."well [she] was fully wake, so duty called. I was in her room for a half hour. She was so confused. The most confused I've seen her in months. She was really just making no sense, but she was still excited to see me. She asked me what I did today. I then convinced her that she was asleep and that she woke up in the middle of the night. She then had me "fix" things in her bed. She wanted a scapular on and when I showed her that she had one on she said "I hope you choke on your scapular in your sleep and die" She then, held my hand and thank me for coming to visit her, and said, "I love you, my dear" and I held her hand and said, "I love you too". I then suggested we say bedtime prayers and she said yes. She couldn't think of what to say so I made some suggestions. when I said "now I lay me down to sleep" she snickered and I said, "what? that's what I say every night" and she said "oh that's cute". I asked if she wanted to say what I say so she said sure. we said now I lay me down to sleep, the apostles creed&  a litany of saints. we then said goodnight and I left the room."
I think, after I made my notes, I fell asleep or maybe I watched something on Netflix. Sometime, around 10:30, the caregiver came back ( I remember being asleep when she came back), and then I left.

Its weird to think that night was just last year. And, I don't know, its weird to think that it was my first time watching her.

Yippee Skippee!!

{this was hers and I always admired it when ever I visited her.
I looked online a bunch and couldn't find it exact thing. I only knew two other people who had it, and they probably got it around the same time that she got it.
Well, tonight, her kids gave it to me as a gift and I am SO EXCITED to have it!!! all I can say is WOW and YIPPEE SKIPPEE!!!!}

this week: new bishop + better days ahead?

{pictures from the night of Vespers}

She died April 24 2019. I was still very sleep deprived, and my sleep schedule off....I remember being up around 5am and scrolling through Facebook before 7am mass to find that we were chosen a new bishop. I went to mass and it was announced there. then we found out he was saying a noon mass, so we all went. I think I slept through most of it...its all a blur, those days were kind of a blur....

I don't know why---maybe from all the storms that night, or maybe its mild depression, or who really knows... the night of vespers with our new Bishop was a hard night. I should really be more excited about having a new bishop but, I may forever associate him with her....
Parking was a disaster to begin with, as I was directed to park in a handicap sport (I nearly lost my mind!). Once in the church, I had some writing time. I really tried to be excited about what was happening. but, even Bishop's homily made me think of her when he said "God never seems to call the qualified, he qualifies the called". (How true it is!)
I was tear eyed the whole night and burst into tears 4 times with the Magnificat, The Salve Regina, "you called John the baptist to give testimony to you by his life and even his death" and "remember those who have died, give them a place of light, happiness and peace".
I was kind of a wreck that night.

I was a bit surprised that I made it through the entire installation mass the next day with no tears.

65 days after her death. I made it through the ordination mass with no tears, but fell asleep during it at least twice and I did not care.
Again, the night of the ordination, I realized that I should have more excitement for the happenings around me, but I'm just so scattered & distracted or something....
I was slightly disappointing that the new priests didn't offer their hands for the kissing of the hands after the first blessings that night, as she was the one who taught me to do that at Father P's first mass year.

Today, at a first mass of a priest whose mom died 10 years ago, I cried each time the new priest or his dad cried. Its like I couldn't hold back tears. and the last time I saw a priest cry, and I think the only time, was at her funeral.

Tomorrow, I had planned on taking her to a Latin mass first mass (since our last first mass was such a success-NOT!). she should be there. I planned to bring her. but she's not. and I'm going "alone". I won't get front row seating like last year and who knows what tears the day may bring.....

our relationship in songs

I only listened to a few of these songs and thought of her when she was still alive. A few weeks after she died, I thought a YouTube playlist was needed, and then I wanted to be able to listen to this playlist anytime and anywhere, so I made a Spotify playlist. I listen to it mostly at night, or when I want to do some writing/think of her.

At the HFH graduation last year, we had to sit at the bottom of the steps as we couldn't get to the top. She wasn't thrilled about it and I kept saying "well offer it up" (like that was somehow helpful...)
She fell asleep and during one of the slideshows this song played: Count on me- Bruno Mars, and it made me think of her and I. This was the first song that made me think of her and I. Starting in the fall I had a monthly Monday night babysitting gig, I'd visit her first, and drive west and sing this song thinking of her.

When she was in the hospital for being unresponsive, I went 80 on 14 to get to her fast. I couldn't take it anymore and just wanted to be with her. I listened to "its the end of the world as we know it" by REM (and "thunderstuck" by AC/DC) the WHOLE way there. Her daughter said earlier that afternoon "this may be the beginning of the end" so I thought my world was falling apart right then and there. Every time I hit University Avenue I played "Jump Around".
Once I knew she was coming home from the hospital, I thought of her as "safe and sound" so I listened to the song from the Hunger Games. Saturday night of when she was in the hospital, I went back to visit her, but, well, it wasn't a great visit, I listened to "safe and sound" on the way home, and reminded myself that she was going to be okay even though that night wasn't great.

We got more time with her....

Then, I realized we had a bit of a "love affair" going so when I listened to "falling in love with you" (Elvis, and Andrea Boccelli), I'd listened to those with "count on me".

If we didn't see each other for just a day or two, I thought of "its been a long day without you again, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again", so in went "See You Again"

These were the songs that I would think of her when she was still alive.

At the cemetery, I thought of the words "we laid our dead in sacred ground" so I threw in "Home" by Dierks Bentley.

Our time together was "the best days of my life" so in went "Summer of 69".
She loved me so in went "everybody loves me".

"Supermarket flowers" and "this town" went in for the sadness aspects. Although I am not sure what they have to do with her or her and I.

"Then" by Brad Paisley, because as I reflect, its like each "milestone" of our relationship, I thought I loved her (I did!), but, Love increases...

My writing document of our relationship/her and I/her life is called "a long way to the top" and is more of an illusion to Pier Georgio Frasatti's "v'erse l'alto" than rock and roll... still, this song made it in.

Around the time of the HFH graduation "time of your life" by Green day circulated our house a bunch, and she gave me "the time of my life" so that made it in the list.

About a week ago I was flicking though Instagram and someone had linked this on their story and I fell in love with it almost immediately....so beautiful! "if we were vampires"-Jason Isbell and the 400 unit.

When this playlist is on, bring on the tears for me.

55 things that I miss

Written 55 days after her death

1.  high masses for special feast days at SMPB (ok...maybe not going home from Father P. lee's first mass, or going home form the Assumption day mass...)

2. Watching Andy Griffith

3. watching the hallmark channel (did I really just say that?!)

4. reading from "A character calendar" together

5. rosaries together

6. reading from the 40 dreams of saint john bosco together

7. her waving to me

8. reading from the catholic all year booklets

9. M's birthday at HuHot (I was SO proud of myself that night!!) + the picture of us sitting at the head of the table that night.

10. eating Cheetos/Doritos together

11. sitting outside together

12. how excited she would be when she would first see me

13. flicking through the smug mug pics on her iPad

14. blessings ourselves with her relics

15. "Oh its you"

16. "oh hi there"

17. sitting next to her on her bed

18. sitting on the edge of her bed with her

19. our hug/kiss/"I love you" goodbye

20. Sunday October 7 2018

21. "I'm so glad that you came today!"

22. "I hate sheds. I hate the word shed."

23. the "gimpy"arm

24. dumping the contents of my day on her

25. learning about her from anyone that I told, every chance that I got!

26. texting friends "look what she said today!"

27. texting her daughter--quotes, questions, happenings

28. texting friends "we said our rosary for you today!"

29. folding Kleenexes just so, putting a jacket on her, organizing & other home improvement projects, wiping Cheetos/Doritos off her fingers/ hands, fixing her rings for her, pulling her sleeves just so for her, raising the blinds approximately halfway... all the tasks

30. racing & rushing from babysitting to get to her

31. being at her daughter's house & with their family

32.watching her. always such a treat!

33. knowing that she loves me

34. M's texts to me of her being awake for the morning

35. asking her questions (many!)

36. her amaziness to bounce back from everything

37. her ability to eat a whole hamburger in one sitting!

38. "I missed you terribly!"

39. waking up thinking of when I could visit her. planning it out all day long too

40. looking over at her as we said our rosary

41. my excitement to visit her-- I couldn't contain myself!

42. her correcting me when I mess up on the apostles creed

43. "why do your steers have to eat twice a day?"
"why do you always have to feed your steers?"

44. me flopping back on her bed dramatically "you're making me feel exasperated!"
"well, you're making me feel exasperated" she'd say back

45. "we could be blood sisters"

46. Briman's Jewelers

47. driving around the neighborhood of the yellow house with her

48. our visits together

49. praying the stations of the cross together

50. going to Ladies of Divine Mercy---one of our very best outings ever

51. her reciting the barefoot boy & other poetry attempts

52. her eating Reeeses/ eating Reeses with her/her excitement for Reeses

53. trying to get her to eat milanos

54. friends asking me how she is

55. "what did you do today?"-me
"Nothing. just waiting for you to come."-her