My life keeps happening at such a fast pace---sometimes I feel as if I can hardly keep up, or that I'm just trying to get to the next thing. I like writing "daybook" like posts every so often to remind me of progress, and see the big picture better.
New books:
Catholic All....Day, November, December, Christmas Novena, Hymns and Carols for Advent and Christmas. I have already used the "Catholic All Day" booklet and thought it was a nice addition to my mass bag.
New Skills/experiences:
This week I learned how to milk a goat, and this Sunday & Monday, I will be milking that goat.
Watching someone have a sugar crash. That was interesting.
I got to drive a Ford Transit on Tuesday night---that thing was a bus! so huge!
Been listening to:
-The Beetles (particularly, "Hey Jude", "Revolution", "She Loves you")
-Man/Opposable Thumb from Good Burger
-Bonnie Rideout G'ime Elbow Room CD
-Green Day songs (wake me up when September ends, and 21 guns, mostly)
-The William Tell Overture by Hans Zimmer/from the Long Ranger
I have been eating a lot of:
smoothies in a mason jar (magnesium powder/raw eggs/ bananas/ strawberries/apple juice/kefir/blueberry/raspberry/yogurt/spinach smoothies)
New things:
Today I bought a bottle of St John's Wort and am going to try taking that.
Mrs Meyers Clean Day Every day multi surface spray
Trying out:
White vinegar cleaning spray
Using more:
My cultivate what matters powersheets planner.
My new Instagram account for faith & the liturgical year.
Pinterest
The Library
Enjoying:
Reading/Writing time on Thursdays at the Stoughton High School while my brother has band practice
Hiding a case of root beer in my Camry.
Sundays
Cross country meets
Wednesdays, 9:30-12, teaching a second grader. Each week so far has included 20 minutes of science experiments (!)
Little workouts here and there
Not loving:
the Catholic Schoolhouse co-op I babysit at
That my home button on my phone is even more broke
school
Still trying to get my act together:
Missing a certain someone---every day! Listening to my "FMR 2" playlist nearly every day. Still feeling many angsty feelings as the days go on. trying to be intentional about ingredients in smoothies. trying to rest and recharge even more. attempting little lifestyle changes. going to try out St John's Wort. Since M is still under construction, I keep accidentally driving past the apartment, which always brings me many tears. I feel like I am getting worse about replying to emails---if getting worse was actually possible! I used to reply the same day as I received an email, but these days.....you'd be lucky to get a reply within a week... (also-don't email me babysitting requests!!) Recently I have been waking up with "kind of a headache" and Thursday I had a really bad tension headache, so that's helping my cause. I'm going to get a massage on Sunday, so that should help a lot. still wondering/fighting the feeling "is this depression?". I read the book "a catholic guide to depression" this past week, which has made me think no, but still, I've been trying to fight these mental..."challenges"(?)/feelings as depression....increasing serotonin, tryptophan and dopamine as much as I can (through foods) and getting magnesium powder in me. Trying to get more organized about this all.... sometimes I wonder: "is this the new normal?"....trying to work on my attitude/a mental game plan...
Still wondering when this "September" will end.... will things ever be the same again? (probably not)
Friday, September 27, 2019
Monday, September 16, 2019
in more cheerful news....
VERY soon I am replacing the engine in my Camry and am very excited for that!!
Babysitting has been aplenty, with more overnights, and more time with twins too. We are on week 3 of Catholic Schoolhouse starting again, and 2 other new babysitting deals that started for the school year. I also started up a weekly teaching with a 2nd grader once a week, so that is fun. Babysitting lately has meant lots of driving around, which has also been fun, and I do wish I had a Red Ford Expedition.
I bought my first ever Moby Wrap, its Olive Green, and it was my first purchase off of Facebook Marketplace, and I felt really good about the purchase, because the woman and I had 3 mutual friends from varied parts of my life. The Moby, which I have not had experience with wearing prior to my purchase, feels very comfortable and a lot like wearing a Moby.
I have my first 2 ergos--- a mint/black one that I need to sew up a little, and my favorite colors on an ergo, black and camel. Tomorrow I hope to try out one of my new ergos.
the end of August has meant the start of cross country and other fall sports for our family. I am looking forward to go to a few friday night football games.
the end of August has meant the start up of school, at home for some of us, community college for others, and online school for two of us.
I made a new Instagram account (a second account really) for record keeping and Idea sharing of how I live the Liturgical year. It feels pretty bare and sparse so far, but I am sure it will fill up soon.
I've gotten into audiobooks again and listen to them often. I've gotten into classical music again, and listen to it a lot. I have almost finished my show on Netflix, and will be ready to start a new one soon. I've still been doing some reading, but nothing particularly exiting.
I went to an apple orchard for the first time with friends this past weekend.
A few weeks ago I started using Google Calendars which feeds into my ical for the first time. Using google calendars and iCal are new for me.
Sunday, the home screen button on my phone fell off, so now I guess i really need to prioritize getting a new phone...
This afternoon I am off to the library, cross country practice to play with a new buddy and then, more driving around, and then babysitting, until I crash in bed tonight!
Babysitting has been aplenty, with more overnights, and more time with twins too. We are on week 3 of Catholic Schoolhouse starting again, and 2 other new babysitting deals that started for the school year. I also started up a weekly teaching with a 2nd grader once a week, so that is fun. Babysitting lately has meant lots of driving around, which has also been fun, and I do wish I had a Red Ford Expedition.
I bought my first ever Moby Wrap, its Olive Green, and it was my first purchase off of Facebook Marketplace, and I felt really good about the purchase, because the woman and I had 3 mutual friends from varied parts of my life. The Moby, which I have not had experience with wearing prior to my purchase, feels very comfortable and a lot like wearing a Moby.
I have my first 2 ergos--- a mint/black one that I need to sew up a little, and my favorite colors on an ergo, black and camel. Tomorrow I hope to try out one of my new ergos.
the end of August has meant the start of cross country and other fall sports for our family. I am looking forward to go to a few friday night football games.
the end of August has meant the start up of school, at home for some of us, community college for others, and online school for two of us.
I made a new Instagram account (a second account really) for record keeping and Idea sharing of how I live the Liturgical year. It feels pretty bare and sparse so far, but I am sure it will fill up soon.
I've gotten into audiobooks again and listen to them often. I've gotten into classical music again, and listen to it a lot. I have almost finished my show on Netflix, and will be ready to start a new one soon. I've still been doing some reading, but nothing particularly exiting.
I went to an apple orchard for the first time with friends this past weekend.
A few weeks ago I started using Google Calendars which feeds into my ical for the first time. Using google calendars and iCal are new for me.
Sunday, the home screen button on my phone fell off, so now I guess i really need to prioritize getting a new phone...
This afternoon I am off to the library, cross country practice to play with a new buddy and then, more driving around, and then babysitting, until I crash in bed tonight!
145 days// wake me up when September ends
A sort of whine-y ramble... thoughts that take up space in my head....
wake me up when September ends---I've been listening to, and thinking of this song a lot lately, and even added it to my Spotify and YouTube playlists. In a way its me wanting to escape reality, and "waking up" when the hard times are over. but, also, I don't want to forget February 25th 2018-April 24th 2019 (although the days since has been hard, some of it has been good) When I first found this song, September was in the future, but, now, September is now. Its kind of like a motto or a fight song-wake me up when September ends.
145 day--how can it be? The days seem to be speeding by, and I'm still trying to get back into routine, and organized and such. It still feels like I just got back home from Kansas, but that was in May! There are so many times I've felt, "my act hasn't been together since April 15th", or ".....this area of my life has been such a mess since April 15th".... One of these areas was the barn/yard right near it. The place has been a disaster, and just kept getting worse, but it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, so I just left it a mess. When people would come over, I'd say, "excuse the mess, I haven't had a chance to organize in here", but I don't know if that excuse works anymore. It kind of went on for too long. Thankfully, yesterday, as part of winter prep or whatever, they whole family was out there doing some major tidying.
I never email people back in any sort of a timely manner, but I have gotten better about texting people back. My bookshelves always look like a mess and they need some major help. The burn barrel hasn't been lit since who knows when. I still feel like I'm "barely keeping up" (although, in reality, I'm probably actually doing fine...)
The feeling of zero motivation for just about everything and anything still persists. The anxiety over driving past her apartments still persists. The anxiety of the the intersection of D and CC is still as strong as ever. A week or so ago, i kept remembering a story of her speeding on Fish Hatchery road, and I wanted to speed on the turns on Fish Hatchery road.
"its an empty feeling, isn't it?" her daughter texted me the afternoon after the night she died (she died in the night), and I keep feeling that empty feeling. Its not like I don't have friends, because I do have lots, but, things are just not the same anymore. It is a little lonely not having someone who doesn't mind hearing every little dramatic detail of your day, every day.
Just last night and this morning, I watched Green Book on DVD, a movie she saw in theater. I remember because the caregivers were like "tell us what to go see at the movie theater". So, I pulled out her iPad, found Green Book, which seemed like the mostly likely thing she'd like out of all the options, but what did I know. This was in the days, well, it was just a few weeks really, that the three of them discovered the $5 movies at the theater, and, they went every Tuesday. It would have been a weird movie for us to experience together, but I did really like Green Book. It was so good, and funny, and so Italian.
Our relationship, it all happened to fast, and it was all so great, and then it ended just like that. Its sad to know that its all over with. I cry less frequently than I did, even 100 days ago, but I still cry so easily. There are a lot of things and places that remind me of her, and it probably doesn't help that i listen to a whole playlist of songs that remind me of her nearly every day.
I am excited to rebuild the engine on my Camry, and have that back up and running, since now that car reminds me of driving to the hospital so many times.
Now, I babysit twins who were born after she died, it would be SO fun to be getting twin advice from here! And show her the pictures of me holding both at the same time.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and I wish I could ask her.... like about motivating kids....and disciplining kids (although I sometimes text her daughter saying "what your mom do about this?")... I can still hear her voice saying "always fold your veil in a triangle" when I walk out of the church and I never, ever dog ear books.
wake me up when September ends---I've been listening to, and thinking of this song a lot lately, and even added it to my Spotify and YouTube playlists. In a way its me wanting to escape reality, and "waking up" when the hard times are over. but, also, I don't want to forget February 25th 2018-April 24th 2019 (although the days since has been hard, some of it has been good) When I first found this song, September was in the future, but, now, September is now. Its kind of like a motto or a fight song-wake me up when September ends.
145 day--how can it be? The days seem to be speeding by, and I'm still trying to get back into routine, and organized and such. It still feels like I just got back home from Kansas, but that was in May! There are so many times I've felt, "my act hasn't been together since April 15th", or ".....this area of my life has been such a mess since April 15th".... One of these areas was the barn/yard right near it. The place has been a disaster, and just kept getting worse, but it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, so I just left it a mess. When people would come over, I'd say, "excuse the mess, I haven't had a chance to organize in here", but I don't know if that excuse works anymore. It kind of went on for too long. Thankfully, yesterday, as part of winter prep or whatever, they whole family was out there doing some major tidying.
I never email people back in any sort of a timely manner, but I have gotten better about texting people back. My bookshelves always look like a mess and they need some major help. The burn barrel hasn't been lit since who knows when. I still feel like I'm "barely keeping up" (although, in reality, I'm probably actually doing fine...)
The feeling of zero motivation for just about everything and anything still persists. The anxiety over driving past her apartments still persists. The anxiety of the the intersection of D and CC is still as strong as ever. A week or so ago, i kept remembering a story of her speeding on Fish Hatchery road, and I wanted to speed on the turns on Fish Hatchery road.
"its an empty feeling, isn't it?" her daughter texted me the afternoon after the night she died (she died in the night), and I keep feeling that empty feeling. Its not like I don't have friends, because I do have lots, but, things are just not the same anymore. It is a little lonely not having someone who doesn't mind hearing every little dramatic detail of your day, every day.
Just last night and this morning, I watched Green Book on DVD, a movie she saw in theater. I remember because the caregivers were like "tell us what to go see at the movie theater". So, I pulled out her iPad, found Green Book, which seemed like the mostly likely thing she'd like out of all the options, but what did I know. This was in the days, well, it was just a few weeks really, that the three of them discovered the $5 movies at the theater, and, they went every Tuesday. It would have been a weird movie for us to experience together, but I did really like Green Book. It was so good, and funny, and so Italian.
Our relationship, it all happened to fast, and it was all so great, and then it ended just like that. Its sad to know that its all over with. I cry less frequently than I did, even 100 days ago, but I still cry so easily. There are a lot of things and places that remind me of her, and it probably doesn't help that i listen to a whole playlist of songs that remind me of her nearly every day.
I am excited to rebuild the engine on my Camry, and have that back up and running, since now that car reminds me of driving to the hospital so many times.
Now, I babysit twins who were born after she died, it would be SO fun to be getting twin advice from here! And show her the pictures of me holding both at the same time.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and I wish I could ask her.... like about motivating kids....and disciplining kids (although I sometimes text her daughter saying "what your mom do about this?")... I can still hear her voice saying "always fold your veil in a triangle" when I walk out of the church and I never, ever dog ear books.
Thursday, August 15, 2019
memories from last year
This morning, I couldn't decide to bring my missal to mass or not, and I was trying to remember where I went to mass for this feast day last year. I remembered that it was with Mrs L. Then, I tried to remember what it was like. I remembered the ride home being bad because of her seat belt being on her. I remember calling a friend to see if I could go to their house the next day when I was going to go to the butcher to pick up pork. I remembered her not talking to me on the way home. on purpose. I remember the sky and sunset being especially nice that night. I decided that I needed to find my notebook from that day.
At babysitting for the day, I had the chance to make some notes (reading time is my favorite time of the day!). I forgot that in getting there, I'd drive past her apartment. I didn't realize that I would until I was almost there.It was weird going past there. It was a different feeling than going there after mass when she was alive. I used to be so excited going past there even knowing that she would be sleeping and that I'd see her later that day. It was a different kind of feeling this morning. kind of an empty feeling, I guess. Its just so weird driving past the apartment.
By the time night came, I had forgotten to look for the notebook from last year. Until I was listening to the live stream of Fr Z's sermon for the feast tonight. And when I heard his voice, I remembered that he said the sermon for this feast day last year. So I went on a search for my notebook.
My first notes for the night were..."...Mrs L. and I made it to mass. Things are going smoothly..."
When I read my notes from the ride home, that's when the tears hit suddenly for me.
"What's wrong with you?! You're such a snot. I've never seen you like this in all my life." (all this because I put her seat belt on her) (this is what she always said to me when I put the seat belt on her, that, and "you're so terrible!")
"I thought I was in for her yelling at me the whole ride home."
"Halfway home---
me: are you still mad?
her: no. I don't get mad.
me: are you aggravated?
her: I am extremely aggravated."
"when we got home---
me: are you still mad?
her: I am extremely angry."
"for whatever reason I find this all completely hilarious & can't stop laughing about it all."
(its a good thing that I didn't let the ride home discourage me!)
Right now, I'd do anything to have this day again. What I would do for us to go to mass together again. What I would do to even get yelled at by her again.These are the days that I miss.
Its so crazy to reflect on this day last year.
At babysitting for the day, I had the chance to make some notes (reading time is my favorite time of the day!). I forgot that in getting there, I'd drive past her apartment. I didn't realize that I would until I was almost there.It was weird going past there. It was a different feeling than going there after mass when she was alive. I used to be so excited going past there even knowing that she would be sleeping and that I'd see her later that day. It was a different kind of feeling this morning. kind of an empty feeling, I guess. Its just so weird driving past the apartment.
By the time night came, I had forgotten to look for the notebook from last year. Until I was listening to the live stream of Fr Z's sermon for the feast tonight. And when I heard his voice, I remembered that he said the sermon for this feast day last year. So I went on a search for my notebook.
My first notes for the night were..."...Mrs L. and I made it to mass. Things are going smoothly..."
When I read my notes from the ride home, that's when the tears hit suddenly for me.
"What's wrong with you?! You're such a snot. I've never seen you like this in all my life." (all this because I put her seat belt on her) (this is what she always said to me when I put the seat belt on her, that, and "you're so terrible!")
"I thought I was in for her yelling at me the whole ride home."
"Halfway home---
me: are you still mad?
her: no. I don't get mad.
me: are you aggravated?
her: I am extremely aggravated."
"when we got home---
me: are you still mad?
her: I am extremely angry."
"for whatever reason I find this all completely hilarious & can't stop laughing about it all."
(its a good thing that I didn't let the ride home discourage me!)
{8/15/18}
Its so crazy to reflect on this day last year.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
crying over cars (still); some other happenings
Last week, I heard the story of the song at the scaffold on audio (the story of civilization volume 3), and was inspired to read the actual book. I can only hope to have that kind of accepting joy like the nuns had, when I am about to do something I don't want to!
Last week, I took a trip for 8 days to visit/babysit for a family I used to babysit more regularly. They just had their 6th baby in July. I live life fast & hard chasing the 2 year old around all day, playing with the other kids, holding the baby, and eating Popsicles + hanging out with their mom each night. This made for exhausting days, but it was great trip!
On the trip, I was walking home from an afternoon out with the two year old in the stroller. We turned from the library, and there was a silver grand caravan braun ability adapted van, and all of a sudden, the tears came hard for me. I cried the whole walk back to the house. Jeremiah kept saying "Don't crying Miss Frannie" and it was maybe the cutest thing ever. It IS a little frustrating how much crying I do over cars these days....
In other car notes, I am pretty close to rebuilding the engine on my Camry, so I will hopefully have that back soon.
Liturgical Living this month:
this was the first time I did this/knew about this---the Portuincula Indulgence
+ the regular things
got the steers butchered this week. picked up the pork from the pigs. and now all I can think about is getting more steers and more pigs. I'm quite bored with just one turkey ;)
Last week, I took a trip for 8 days to visit/babysit for a family I used to babysit more regularly. They just had their 6th baby in July. I live life fast & hard chasing the 2 year old around all day, playing with the other kids, holding the baby, and eating Popsicles + hanging out with their mom each night. This made for exhausting days, but it was great trip!
On the trip, I was walking home from an afternoon out with the two year old in the stroller. We turned from the library, and there was a silver grand caravan braun ability adapted van, and all of a sudden, the tears came hard for me. I cried the whole walk back to the house. Jeremiah kept saying "Don't crying Miss Frannie" and it was maybe the cutest thing ever. It IS a little frustrating how much crying I do over cars these days....
In other car notes, I am pretty close to rebuilding the engine on my Camry, so I will hopefully have that back soon.
Liturgical Living this month:
this was the first time I did this/knew about this---the Portuincula Indulgence
+ the regular things
got the steers butchered this week. picked up the pork from the pigs. and now all I can think about is getting more steers and more pigs. I'm quite bored with just one turkey ;)
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Reading Lately....
Still working on my 45 minutes of reading each day habit :)
This list doesn't include blog reading or liturgical year reading.
New books/Current reads/finished:
The Story of Civilization volume III The Making of the Modern World---a gift; I have been learning so much from this! I have this as an audiobook---so good!
Uncle Tom's Cabin---still trucking through this with Librivox, Ignatius Press text and study guide, Kolbe Lesson plans. Really trying to dive into this & learn from it.
The Mass for boys and Girls by Father Joseph Dunney---good, but a bit tedious; finished this.
Servant of God Gwen Coniker by Nancy Martin---still working on. its okay.
The Life of Saint Gemma Galgani by her spiritual director---a few chapters in. haven't really gotten a feel for this book overall.
Catholic Schoolhouse Tour III Science book---a gift. flicked through it and then threw it on my shelf. more of a science experiment book, not much of a reading book.
The Children's Charter by Mother Mary Loyola---very good & insightful; finished this.
Picture book I recently discovered and Like:
-Charming Opal (read with a girl that I babysit named Opal :). )
This list doesn't include blog reading or liturgical year reading.
New books/Current reads/finished:
The Story of Civilization volume III The Making of the Modern World---a gift; I have been learning so much from this! I have this as an audiobook---so good!
Uncle Tom's Cabin---still trucking through this with Librivox, Ignatius Press text and study guide, Kolbe Lesson plans. Really trying to dive into this & learn from it.
The Mass for boys and Girls by Father Joseph Dunney---good, but a bit tedious; finished this.
Servant of God Gwen Coniker by Nancy Martin---still working on. its okay.
The Life of Saint Gemma Galgani by her spiritual director---a few chapters in. haven't really gotten a feel for this book overall.
Catholic Schoolhouse Tour III Science book---a gift. flicked through it and then threw it on my shelf. more of a science experiment book, not much of a reading book.
The Children's Charter by Mother Mary Loyola---very good & insightful; finished this.
Picture book I recently discovered and Like:
-Charming Opal (read with a girl that I babysit named Opal :). )
all these feelings that I can't explain & random memories
7/30/19 ---- 97 days since she died--wow (almost 100 days. wow)
This week, we are taking care of animals at her daughter's house, and for whatever reason, It always gives me such a shock to see her van there. I'm sure it will haunt me each day that I am there this week.
Today it was a tough sight, when I opened the garage door, and there was the Hoyer lift. what a sight that was. so many memories. I touched the purple hoyer cloth, just because, lost in thought.
Today, I accidentally drove past the apartment not once, but twice. Yikes. It's weird to drive past there, and not go running up to the door, or to not park in "my" spot, or see them sitting out there, or feel that sense of pride and happiness as I would drive past. Its weird because I used to try so hard to drive past there, a place full of so many happy memories for me, now I try to avoid even driving past it because of all of the memories.
Today, I was driving on "Tipperary Road", and although,this didn't happen very many times, I remembered taking that road with her to her daughters, and I'd sing "its a long long way to Tipperary" and she didn't like it. I forgot about that song and about doing that. I forgot about not caring if she found it to be annoying. I forgot about feeling cool and like I could conquer everything.
I know I've driven on that road a few times since she died, but just like that, the memory of singing that song and her being annoyed (and me not caring but thinking I was cool) came back to me. (so, I added this song to my playlist of songs that remind me of her.)
-----------------
How has this become my life? Memories of happy days constantly haunting me.... All these feelings that I can't explain.... Will these memories always haunt me?
This week, we are taking care of animals at her daughter's house, and for whatever reason, It always gives me such a shock to see her van there. I'm sure it will haunt me each day that I am there this week.
Today it was a tough sight, when I opened the garage door, and there was the Hoyer lift. what a sight that was. so many memories. I touched the purple hoyer cloth, just because, lost in thought.
Today, I accidentally drove past the apartment not once, but twice. Yikes. It's weird to drive past there, and not go running up to the door, or to not park in "my" spot, or see them sitting out there, or feel that sense of pride and happiness as I would drive past. Its weird because I used to try so hard to drive past there, a place full of so many happy memories for me, now I try to avoid even driving past it because of all of the memories.
Today, I was driving on "Tipperary Road", and although,this didn't happen very many times, I remembered taking that road with her to her daughters, and I'd sing "its a long long way to Tipperary" and she didn't like it. I forgot about that song and about doing that. I forgot about not caring if she found it to be annoying. I forgot about feeling cool and like I could conquer everything.
I know I've driven on that road a few times since she died, but just like that, the memory of singing that song and her being annoyed (and me not caring but thinking I was cool) came back to me. (so, I added this song to my playlist of songs that remind me of her.)
-----------------
How has this become my life? Memories of happy days constantly haunting me.... All these feelings that I can't explain.... Will these memories always haunt me?
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