My life keeps happening at such a fast pace---sometimes I feel as if I can hardly keep up, or that I'm just trying to get to the next thing. I like writing "daybook" like posts every so often to remind me of progress, and see the big picture better.
New books:
Catholic All....Day, November, December, Christmas Novena, Hymns and Carols for Advent and Christmas. I have already used the "Catholic All Day" booklet and thought it was a nice addition to my mass bag.
New Skills/experiences:
This week I learned how to milk a goat, and this Sunday & Monday, I will be milking that goat.
Watching someone have a sugar crash. That was interesting.
I got to drive a Ford Transit on Tuesday night---that thing was a bus! so huge!
Been listening to:
-The Beetles (particularly, "Hey Jude", "Revolution", "She Loves you")
-Man/Opposable Thumb from Good Burger
-Bonnie Rideout G'ime Elbow Room CD
-Green Day songs (wake me up when September ends, and 21 guns, mostly)
-The William Tell Overture by Hans Zimmer/from the Long Ranger
I have been eating a lot of:
smoothies in a mason jar (magnesium powder/raw eggs/ bananas/ strawberries/apple juice/kefir/blueberry/raspberry/yogurt/spinach smoothies)
New things:
Today I bought a bottle of St John's Wort and am going to try taking that.
Mrs Meyers Clean Day Every day multi surface spray
Trying out:
White vinegar cleaning spray
Using more:
My cultivate what matters powersheets planner.
My new Instagram account for faith & the liturgical year.
Pinterest
The Library
Enjoying:
Reading/Writing time on Thursdays at the Stoughton High School while my brother has band practice
Hiding a case of root beer in my Camry.
Sundays
Cross country meets
Wednesdays, 9:30-12, teaching a second grader. Each week so far has included 20 minutes of science experiments (!)
Little workouts here and there
Not loving:
the Catholic Schoolhouse co-op I babysit at
That my home button on my phone is even more broke
school
Still trying to get my act together:
Missing a certain someone---every day! Listening to my "FMR 2" playlist nearly every day. Still feeling many angsty feelings as the days go on. trying to be intentional about ingredients in smoothies. trying to rest and recharge even more. attempting little lifestyle changes. going to try out St John's Wort. Since M is still under construction, I keep accidentally driving past the apartment, which always brings me many tears. I feel like I am getting worse about replying to emails---if getting worse was actually possible! I used to reply the same day as I received an email, but these days.....you'd be lucky to get a reply within a week... (also-don't email me babysitting requests!!) Recently I have been waking up with "kind of a headache" and Thursday I had a really bad tension headache, so that's helping my cause. I'm going to get a massage on Sunday, so that should help a lot. still wondering/fighting the feeling "is this depression?". I read the book "a catholic guide to depression" this past week, which has made me think no, but still, I've been trying to fight these mental..."challenges"(?)/feelings as depression....increasing serotonin, tryptophan and dopamine as much as I can (through foods) and getting magnesium powder in me. Trying to get more organized about this all.... sometimes I wonder: "is this the new normal?"....trying to work on my attitude/a mental game plan...
Still wondering when this "September" will end.... will things ever be the same again? (probably not)
Friday, September 27, 2019
Monday, September 16, 2019
in more cheerful news....
VERY soon I am replacing the engine in my Camry and am very excited for that!!
Babysitting has been aplenty, with more overnights, and more time with twins too. We are on week 3 of Catholic Schoolhouse starting again, and 2 other new babysitting deals that started for the school year. I also started up a weekly teaching with a 2nd grader once a week, so that is fun. Babysitting lately has meant lots of driving around, which has also been fun, and I do wish I had a Red Ford Expedition.
I bought my first ever Moby Wrap, its Olive Green, and it was my first purchase off of Facebook Marketplace, and I felt really good about the purchase, because the woman and I had 3 mutual friends from varied parts of my life. The Moby, which I have not had experience with wearing prior to my purchase, feels very comfortable and a lot like wearing a Moby.
I have my first 2 ergos--- a mint/black one that I need to sew up a little, and my favorite colors on an ergo, black and camel. Tomorrow I hope to try out one of my new ergos.
the end of August has meant the start of cross country and other fall sports for our family. I am looking forward to go to a few friday night football games.
the end of August has meant the start up of school, at home for some of us, community college for others, and online school for two of us.
I made a new Instagram account (a second account really) for record keeping and Idea sharing of how I live the Liturgical year. It feels pretty bare and sparse so far, but I am sure it will fill up soon.
I've gotten into audiobooks again and listen to them often. I've gotten into classical music again, and listen to it a lot. I have almost finished my show on Netflix, and will be ready to start a new one soon. I've still been doing some reading, but nothing particularly exiting.
I went to an apple orchard for the first time with friends this past weekend.
A few weeks ago I started using Google Calendars which feeds into my ical for the first time. Using google calendars and iCal are new for me.
Sunday, the home screen button on my phone fell off, so now I guess i really need to prioritize getting a new phone...
This afternoon I am off to the library, cross country practice to play with a new buddy and then, more driving around, and then babysitting, until I crash in bed tonight!
Babysitting has been aplenty, with more overnights, and more time with twins too. We are on week 3 of Catholic Schoolhouse starting again, and 2 other new babysitting deals that started for the school year. I also started up a weekly teaching with a 2nd grader once a week, so that is fun. Babysitting lately has meant lots of driving around, which has also been fun, and I do wish I had a Red Ford Expedition.
I bought my first ever Moby Wrap, its Olive Green, and it was my first purchase off of Facebook Marketplace, and I felt really good about the purchase, because the woman and I had 3 mutual friends from varied parts of my life. The Moby, which I have not had experience with wearing prior to my purchase, feels very comfortable and a lot like wearing a Moby.
I have my first 2 ergos--- a mint/black one that I need to sew up a little, and my favorite colors on an ergo, black and camel. Tomorrow I hope to try out one of my new ergos.
the end of August has meant the start of cross country and other fall sports for our family. I am looking forward to go to a few friday night football games.
the end of August has meant the start up of school, at home for some of us, community college for others, and online school for two of us.
I made a new Instagram account (a second account really) for record keeping and Idea sharing of how I live the Liturgical year. It feels pretty bare and sparse so far, but I am sure it will fill up soon.
I've gotten into audiobooks again and listen to them often. I've gotten into classical music again, and listen to it a lot. I have almost finished my show on Netflix, and will be ready to start a new one soon. I've still been doing some reading, but nothing particularly exiting.
I went to an apple orchard for the first time with friends this past weekend.
A few weeks ago I started using Google Calendars which feeds into my ical for the first time. Using google calendars and iCal are new for me.
Sunday, the home screen button on my phone fell off, so now I guess i really need to prioritize getting a new phone...
This afternoon I am off to the library, cross country practice to play with a new buddy and then, more driving around, and then babysitting, until I crash in bed tonight!
145 days// wake me up when September ends
A sort of whine-y ramble... thoughts that take up space in my head....
wake me up when September ends---I've been listening to, and thinking of this song a lot lately, and even added it to my Spotify and YouTube playlists. In a way its me wanting to escape reality, and "waking up" when the hard times are over. but, also, I don't want to forget February 25th 2018-April 24th 2019 (although the days since has been hard, some of it has been good) When I first found this song, September was in the future, but, now, September is now. Its kind of like a motto or a fight song-wake me up when September ends.
145 day--how can it be? The days seem to be speeding by, and I'm still trying to get back into routine, and organized and such. It still feels like I just got back home from Kansas, but that was in May! There are so many times I've felt, "my act hasn't been together since April 15th", or ".....this area of my life has been such a mess since April 15th".... One of these areas was the barn/yard right near it. The place has been a disaster, and just kept getting worse, but it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, so I just left it a mess. When people would come over, I'd say, "excuse the mess, I haven't had a chance to organize in here", but I don't know if that excuse works anymore. It kind of went on for too long. Thankfully, yesterday, as part of winter prep or whatever, they whole family was out there doing some major tidying.
I never email people back in any sort of a timely manner, but I have gotten better about texting people back. My bookshelves always look like a mess and they need some major help. The burn barrel hasn't been lit since who knows when. I still feel like I'm "barely keeping up" (although, in reality, I'm probably actually doing fine...)
The feeling of zero motivation for just about everything and anything still persists. The anxiety over driving past her apartments still persists. The anxiety of the the intersection of D and CC is still as strong as ever. A week or so ago, i kept remembering a story of her speeding on Fish Hatchery road, and I wanted to speed on the turns on Fish Hatchery road.
"its an empty feeling, isn't it?" her daughter texted me the afternoon after the night she died (she died in the night), and I keep feeling that empty feeling. Its not like I don't have friends, because I do have lots, but, things are just not the same anymore. It is a little lonely not having someone who doesn't mind hearing every little dramatic detail of your day, every day.
Just last night and this morning, I watched Green Book on DVD, a movie she saw in theater. I remember because the caregivers were like "tell us what to go see at the movie theater". So, I pulled out her iPad, found Green Book, which seemed like the mostly likely thing she'd like out of all the options, but what did I know. This was in the days, well, it was just a few weeks really, that the three of them discovered the $5 movies at the theater, and, they went every Tuesday. It would have been a weird movie for us to experience together, but I did really like Green Book. It was so good, and funny, and so Italian.
Our relationship, it all happened to fast, and it was all so great, and then it ended just like that. Its sad to know that its all over with. I cry less frequently than I did, even 100 days ago, but I still cry so easily. There are a lot of things and places that remind me of her, and it probably doesn't help that i listen to a whole playlist of songs that remind me of her nearly every day.
I am excited to rebuild the engine on my Camry, and have that back up and running, since now that car reminds me of driving to the hospital so many times.
Now, I babysit twins who were born after she died, it would be SO fun to be getting twin advice from here! And show her the pictures of me holding both at the same time.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and I wish I could ask her.... like about motivating kids....and disciplining kids (although I sometimes text her daughter saying "what your mom do about this?")... I can still hear her voice saying "always fold your veil in a triangle" when I walk out of the church and I never, ever dog ear books.
wake me up when September ends---I've been listening to, and thinking of this song a lot lately, and even added it to my Spotify and YouTube playlists. In a way its me wanting to escape reality, and "waking up" when the hard times are over. but, also, I don't want to forget February 25th 2018-April 24th 2019 (although the days since has been hard, some of it has been good) When I first found this song, September was in the future, but, now, September is now. Its kind of like a motto or a fight song-wake me up when September ends.
145 day--how can it be? The days seem to be speeding by, and I'm still trying to get back into routine, and organized and such. It still feels like I just got back home from Kansas, but that was in May! There are so many times I've felt, "my act hasn't been together since April 15th", or ".....this area of my life has been such a mess since April 15th".... One of these areas was the barn/yard right near it. The place has been a disaster, and just kept getting worse, but it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, so I just left it a mess. When people would come over, I'd say, "excuse the mess, I haven't had a chance to organize in here", but I don't know if that excuse works anymore. It kind of went on for too long. Thankfully, yesterday, as part of winter prep or whatever, they whole family was out there doing some major tidying.
I never email people back in any sort of a timely manner, but I have gotten better about texting people back. My bookshelves always look like a mess and they need some major help. The burn barrel hasn't been lit since who knows when. I still feel like I'm "barely keeping up" (although, in reality, I'm probably actually doing fine...)
The feeling of zero motivation for just about everything and anything still persists. The anxiety over driving past her apartments still persists. The anxiety of the the intersection of D and CC is still as strong as ever. A week or so ago, i kept remembering a story of her speeding on Fish Hatchery road, and I wanted to speed on the turns on Fish Hatchery road.
"its an empty feeling, isn't it?" her daughter texted me the afternoon after the night she died (she died in the night), and I keep feeling that empty feeling. Its not like I don't have friends, because I do have lots, but, things are just not the same anymore. It is a little lonely not having someone who doesn't mind hearing every little dramatic detail of your day, every day.
Just last night and this morning, I watched Green Book on DVD, a movie she saw in theater. I remember because the caregivers were like "tell us what to go see at the movie theater". So, I pulled out her iPad, found Green Book, which seemed like the mostly likely thing she'd like out of all the options, but what did I know. This was in the days, well, it was just a few weeks really, that the three of them discovered the $5 movies at the theater, and, they went every Tuesday. It would have been a weird movie for us to experience together, but I did really like Green Book. It was so good, and funny, and so Italian.
Our relationship, it all happened to fast, and it was all so great, and then it ended just like that. Its sad to know that its all over with. I cry less frequently than I did, even 100 days ago, but I still cry so easily. There are a lot of things and places that remind me of her, and it probably doesn't help that i listen to a whole playlist of songs that remind me of her nearly every day.
I am excited to rebuild the engine on my Camry, and have that back up and running, since now that car reminds me of driving to the hospital so many times.
Now, I babysit twins who were born after she died, it would be SO fun to be getting twin advice from here! And show her the pictures of me holding both at the same time.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and I wish I could ask her.... like about motivating kids....and disciplining kids (although I sometimes text her daughter saying "what your mom do about this?")... I can still hear her voice saying "always fold your veil in a triangle" when I walk out of the church and I never, ever dog ear books.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)