a trip down memory lane.....

Song Lyrics I've had on my mind lately...."Is it late?-- in remembering I've forgotten of the hour
Come away--watch the sun die in the pine trees, watch the moon rise on the lake It's a land that sets you dreaming if it's dreaming that you do And I wanted you to see the old Wisconsin that I knew." (Wisconsin, Glenn Yarbrough)

I had kind of forgotten about the  day until I started to see all the posts on Facebook, and that's when the day came back to me....

Below: last year's post with new comments bolded

"

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

The proud little caregiver I was so proud of myself that night. I still feel so proud of myself when I think of that night. 

Saturday was her caregiver's birthday, and I knew weeks in advance the party and gifts that were being planned. We set a high standard for gifts for her caregiver this year! I wore my Fiji skirt for the occasion- it seemed like the thing to wear. I haven't worn my Fiji skirt in SO long. I can't remember the last time that I wore it. I should put it back into rotation. We all--her, her caregiver, her caregiver's husband, her daughter, her son in law, six grandchildren and I--went to this restaurant and had other festivities with gift opening ( I wasn't there for that part) and cake/ice cream back at the house. Her caregiver, of course, was all blinged up (those of you who have seen her know what I'm talking about!)  It was another great time with the Fijians--We learned about birthdays in Fiji and her caregiver's  siblings, took lots of pictures & had a great night. I could tell that her caregiver really enjoyed everything! And, to my good luck, there was no cavva going around the table that night!(A relief for me! Our first experience with Cavva this summer got mixed reviews from us all!) At the restaurant (Hu-Hot Grill in Middleton for the locals--it was my first time there and it was kind of fun!) I hardly left her side. I miss those days of being right there with her. I sat right next to her and did everything that I could to help her out with her food, root beer and such (meaning, picking up food that she dropped on herself about every 45 seconds (that's not an exaggeration!), holding her glass while she drank every 5 minutes, positioning her bowl and thumb just so I forgot about how she had me do this!!, getting her new food.... I miss doing all of these things so much!!) The whole night had gone so well!  She was such a trooper! I was really impressed! For the second time, I put a jacket on her, and this was my first time by myself. I am still so proud of myself for this achievement. (The last time it took 10 minutes with someone else doing it too) I was mighty pleased that I did it all by myself and was so efficient. (You try to put a jacket on someone who is wheelchair bound and has no use of one arm--its quite the challenge!) Then, I was steering her out of the restaurant, I took her through the doorways--why do they make those things so narrow?! and as I was doing that I was mighty proud of myself and how the night had gone with her. "I am the proudest little caregiver ever" is what I thought to myself. Once we were on the sidewalk the proud little caregiver got a swallow of humility, when the proud little caregiver ran over her foot twice in about  30 seconds. WHY did I do that to myself?! (Of course she has ran over my feet or smashed into them lots of times over the last months, usually when this happens my foot will hurt just for 10 minutes-a few hours.) but, days later, the proud little caregiver's foot is still hurting!!! (I proudly showed her my bruised up foot the next day.) (It seems to make my foot worse to wear shoes--like dress shoes, so the last two days I have tried to just wear flip-flops when not at home I forgot about this detail!, but of course it has suddenly turned to winter in Wisconsin! Had to scrape off my car this morning for the first time this season, so feeling that Winter vibe this year, too.) Back at the house when we had cake/ice cream, I put her and I at the head of the table there is a picture of her and I from that night as big shots at the head of the table and I. love. it. and I was mighty pleased with myself that night!  It was a late night for her (and especially myself!) but everything was such a success! I wish we could have a successful repeat of that night, but sadly, we can not. 
 And, to top this all off, her caregiver and her husband might be taking a few hours off in the next week or so to go out and they are planning on having ME (!!!) come and take care of her while they are gone! What a thrilling treat that would be!! Just say the words guys, and I'll be over there in a flash!! I used to get so excited at the slightest mention of me staying with her. Just her and I!!! It was like the possibilities were endless for what we could do!

Today, I woke up with a sore throat (I think I got it from a kid I babysat on Sunday) and a headache (which is a common thing for me), so I texted her caregiver that I wouldn't come over today because I didn't want to risk getting her sick. And its basically killing me not being able to go over there today!!! I am feeling much better tonight already and am eager & anxious to see her again! We have so much to do together!

In a week it will be 9 months since we met and I have many reflections on our relationship swirling around my head. We've come such a long way, and who would have ever known that we would be such buds?" I used to say that a lot: "Who would have ever known that we would be such buds?" We were buddies, and I miss having her so much. 

The memories are hard, sad, and an empty feeling all at once. My own feelings and emotions are a lot to handle, sometimes. 

I am glad that I wrote so much down. Some how, having my own writing to read helps. Today, I made an album of all the pictures of her/us on my phone. Between picture-looking at, and reading my own writings, I do a lot of crying. 

Thanks for taking a trip down memory lane with me!

October 2019: Taco Bell Burrito, Music lately & car troubles that continue

I try to write "daybook" updates every few weeks to note seasonal, daily and weekly changes in my life. These kinds of updates are not particularly detailed and are quite random.

I found myself at the Taco Bell Drive in, with a cloudy, rainy world outside of the Rental car that we were in..... and I thought to myself: "I haven't had a burrito in like 5 months!" suddenly the memories and feelings came back to me....all of those burritos I had at the hospital. the burritos that became  my favorite thing to get at the cafeteria. the burrito I started to have just hours before she died.... I remembered the trek down to the cafeteria from the various hospital rooms she was in. I remembered the skaters that the kids wore. I remembered the cafeteria and how I think that the UW hospital has a great cafeteria.
(I'm trying to make that whole I-was-at-taco-bell-thing a little more poetic, but, for now, its a just a blurb)



Songs I've been loving:
-Wisconsin by Glenn Yarbrough (since I've been driving the truck a lot, I've been listening to dad's music and have really come to love this song over the past few days, and am starting to memorize it :)
-still been into the Beetles
-Everybody wants to rule the world
-one piece at a time by Johnny Cash (my car theme song----civic has been having radiator problems, but is not working again because my brother "bled the lines" (whatever that means) and an engine was found for my Camry---so, that means we will rebuild it soon!)

Comedy Lately:
-Chris Fleming/Gayle Videos---baby got back, D batteries----hilarious!

Trying:
-st John's wort....not sure  if it does anything/if its doing anything yet.... I have been taking it for 5 days. I decided I will try it for a month and then see if it helps after that.


Fall is coming too fast for me. I am still working on using my cultivate what matters powersheets and just hit my first 3 month reset (I haven't been using the monthly pages once a month...just when ever a I feel the need to regroup (which is a frequent feeling!) but I go through the sheets every few weeks.)

Looking forward to....
-an upcoming wedding
-rebuilding my camry
-getting rid of my civic (yay!)

end of September daybook// wake me up when September ends, part two

My life keeps happening at such a fast pace---sometimes I feel as if I can hardly keep up, or that I'm just trying to get to the next thing. I like writing "daybook" like posts every so often to remind me of progress, and see the big picture better.

New books:
Catholic All....Day, November, December, Christmas Novena, Hymns and Carols for Advent and Christmas. I have already used the "Catholic All Day" booklet and thought it was a nice addition to my mass bag.

New Skills/experiences:
This week I learned how to milk a goat, and this Sunday & Monday, I will be milking that goat.
Watching someone have a sugar crash. That was interesting.
I got to drive a Ford Transit on Tuesday night---that thing was a bus! so huge!

Been listening to:
-The Beetles (particularly, "Hey Jude", "Revolution", "She Loves you")
-Man/Opposable Thumb from Good Burger
-Bonnie Rideout G'ime Elbow Room CD
-Green Day songs (wake me up when September ends, and 21 guns, mostly)
-The William Tell Overture by Hans Zimmer/from the Long Ranger

I have been eating a lot of:
smoothies in a mason jar (magnesium powder/raw eggs/ bananas/ strawberries/apple juice/kefir/blueberry/raspberry/yogurt/spinach smoothies)

New things:
Today I bought a bottle of St John's Wort and am going to try taking that.
Mrs Meyers Clean Day Every day multi surface spray

Trying out:
White vinegar cleaning spray

Using more:
My cultivate what matters powersheets planner.
My new Instagram account for faith & the liturgical year.
Pinterest
The Library

Enjoying:
Reading/Writing time on Thursdays at the Stoughton High School while my brother has band practice
Hiding a case of root beer in my Camry.
Sundays
Cross country meets
Wednesdays, 9:30-12, teaching a second grader. Each week so far has included 20 minutes of science experiments (!)
Little workouts here and there

Not loving:
the Catholic Schoolhouse co-op I babysit at
That my home button on my phone is even more broke
school


Still trying to get my act together:
Missing a certain someone---every day! Listening to my "FMR 2" playlist nearly every day. Still feeling many angsty feelings as the days go on. trying to be intentional about ingredients in smoothies. trying to rest and recharge even more. attempting little lifestyle changes. going to try out St John's Wort. Since M is still under construction, I keep accidentally driving past the apartment, which always brings me many tears. I feel like I am getting worse about replying to emails---if getting worse was actually possible! I used to reply the same day as I received an email, but these days.....you'd be lucky to get a reply within a week... (also-don't email me babysitting requests!!) Recently I have been waking up with "kind of a headache" and Thursday I had a really bad tension headache, so that's helping my cause. I'm going to get a massage on Sunday, so that should help a lot. still wondering/fighting the feeling "is this depression?". I read the book "a catholic guide to depression" this past week, which has made me think no, but still, I've been trying to fight these mental..."challenges"(?)/feelings as depression....increasing serotonin, tryptophan and dopamine as much as I can (through foods) and getting magnesium powder in me. Trying to get more organized about this all.... sometimes I wonder: "is this the new normal?"....trying to work on my attitude/a mental game plan...
Still wondering when this "September" will end.... will things ever be the same again? (probably not)

in more cheerful news....

VERY soon I am replacing the engine in my Camry and am very excited for that!!

Babysitting has been aplenty, with more overnights, and more time with twins too. We are on week 3 of Catholic Schoolhouse starting again, and 2 other new babysitting deals that started for the school year. I also started up a weekly teaching with a 2nd grader once a week, so that is fun. Babysitting lately has meant lots of driving around, which has also been fun, and I do wish I had a Red Ford Expedition.

I bought my first ever Moby Wrap, its Olive Green, and it was my first purchase off of Facebook Marketplace, and I felt really good about the purchase, because the woman and I had 3 mutual friends from varied parts of my life. The Moby, which I have not had experience with wearing prior to my purchase, feels very comfortable and a lot like wearing a Moby.
I have my first 2 ergos--- a mint/black one that I need to sew up a little, and my favorite colors on an ergo, black and camel. Tomorrow I hope to try out one of my new ergos.

the end of August has meant the start of cross country and other fall sports for our family. I am looking forward to go to a few friday night football games.
the end of August has meant the start up of school, at home for some of us, community college for others, and online school for two of us.

I made a new Instagram account (a second account really) for record keeping and Idea sharing of how I live the Liturgical year. It feels pretty bare and sparse so far, but I am sure it will fill up soon.

I've gotten into audiobooks again and listen to them often. I've gotten into classical music again, and listen to it a lot. I have almost finished my show on Netflix, and will be ready to start a new one soon. I've still been doing some reading, but nothing particularly exiting.

I went to an apple orchard for the first time with friends this past weekend.

A few weeks ago I started using Google Calendars which feeds into my ical for the first time. Using google calendars and iCal are new for me.

Sunday, the home screen button on my phone fell off, so now I guess i really need to prioritize getting a new phone...

This afternoon I am off to the library, cross country practice to play with a new buddy and then, more driving around, and then babysitting, until I crash in bed tonight!

145 days// wake me up when September ends

A sort of whine-y ramble... thoughts that take up space in my head....

wake me up when September ends---I've been listening to, and thinking of this song a lot lately, and even added it to my Spotify and YouTube playlists. In a way its me wanting to escape reality, and "waking up" when the hard times are over. but, also, I don't want to forget February 25th 2018-April 24th 2019 (although the days since has been hard, some of it has been good) When I first found this song, September was in the future, but, now, September is now. Its kind of like a motto or a fight song-wake me up when September ends.

145 day--how can it be? The days seem to be speeding by, and I'm still trying to get back into routine, and organized and such. It still feels like I just got back home from Kansas, but that was in May! There are so many times I've felt, "my act hasn't been together since April 15th", or ".....this area of my life has been such a mess since April 15th".... One of these areas was the barn/yard right near it. The place has been a disaster, and just kept getting worse, but it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, so I just left it a mess. When people would come over, I'd say, "excuse the mess, I haven't had a chance to organize in here", but I don't know if that excuse works anymore. It kind of went on for too long. Thankfully, yesterday, as part of winter prep or whatever, they whole family was out there doing some major tidying.
I never email people back in any sort of a timely manner, but I have gotten better about texting people back. My bookshelves always look like a mess and they need some major help. The burn barrel hasn't been lit since who knows when. I still feel like I'm "barely keeping up" (although, in reality, I'm probably actually doing fine...)
The feeling of zero motivation for just about everything and anything still persists. The anxiety over driving past her apartments still persists. The anxiety of the the intersection of D and CC is still as strong as ever. A week or so ago, i kept remembering a story of her speeding on Fish Hatchery road, and I wanted to speed on the turns on Fish Hatchery road.
"its an empty feeling, isn't it?" her daughter texted me the afternoon after the night she died (she died in the night), and I keep feeling that empty feeling. Its not like I don't have friends, because I do have lots, but, things are just not the same anymore. It is a little lonely not having someone who doesn't mind hearing every little dramatic detail of your day, every day.

Just last night and this morning, I watched Green Book on DVD, a movie she saw in theater. I remember because the caregivers were like "tell us what to go see at the movie theater". So, I pulled out her iPad, found Green Book, which seemed like the mostly likely thing she'd like out of all the options, but what did I know. This was in the days, well, it was just a few weeks really, that the three of them discovered the $5 movies at the theater, and, they went every Tuesday. It would have been a weird movie for us to experience together, but I did really like Green Book. It was so good, and funny, and so Italian.

Our relationship, it all happened to fast, and it was all so great, and then it ended just like that. Its sad to know that its all over with. I cry less frequently than I did, even 100 days ago, but I still cry so easily. There are a lot of things and places that remind me of her, and it probably doesn't help that i listen to a whole playlist of songs that remind me of her nearly every day.

I am excited to rebuild the engine on my Camry, and have that back up and running, since now that car reminds me of driving to the hospital so many times.

Now, I babysit twins who were born after she died, it would be SO fun to be getting twin advice from here! And show her the pictures of me holding both at the same time.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and I wish I could ask her.... like about motivating kids....and disciplining kids (although I sometimes text her daughter saying "what your mom do about this?")... I can still hear her voice saying "always fold your veil in a triangle" when I walk out of the church and I never, ever dog ear books.

memories from last year

This morning, I couldn't decide to bring my missal to mass or not, and I was trying to remember where I went to mass for this feast day last year. I remembered that it was with Mrs L. Then, I tried to remember what it was like. I remembered the ride home being bad because of her seat belt being on her. I remember calling a friend to see if I could go to their house the next day when I was going to go to the butcher to pick up pork. I remembered her not talking to me on the way home. on purpose. I remember the sky and sunset being especially nice that night. I decided that I needed to find my notebook from that day.

At babysitting for the day, I had the chance to make some notes (reading time is my favorite time of the day!). I forgot that in getting there, I'd drive past her apartment. I didn't realize that I would until I was almost there.It was weird going past there. It was a different feeling than going there after mass when she was alive. I used to be so excited going past there even knowing that she would be sleeping and that I'd see her later that day. It was a different kind of feeling this morning. kind of an empty feeling, I guess. Its just so weird driving past the apartment.

By the time night came, I had forgotten to look for the notebook from last year. Until I was listening to the live stream of Fr Z's sermon for the feast tonight. And when I heard his voice, I remembered that he said the sermon for this feast day last year. So I went on a search for my notebook.

My first notes for the night were..."...Mrs L. and I made it to mass. Things are going smoothly..."
When I read my notes from the ride home, that's when the tears hit suddenly for me.
"What's wrong with you?! You're such a snot. I've never seen you like this in all my life." (all this because I put her seat belt on her) (this is what she always said to me when I put the seat belt on her, that, and "you're so terrible!")

"I thought I was in for her yelling at me the whole ride home."

"Halfway home---
me: are you still mad?
her: no. I don't get mad.
me: are you aggravated?
her: I am extremely aggravated."

"when we got home---
me: are you still mad?
her: I am extremely angry."

"for whatever reason I find this all completely hilarious & can't stop laughing about it all."
(its a good thing that I didn't let the ride home discourage me!)

{8/15/18}

Right now, I'd do anything to have this day again. What I would do for us to go to mass together again. What I would do to even get yelled at by her again.These are the days that I miss.
Its so crazy to reflect on this day last year.

crying over cars (still); some other happenings

Last week, I heard the story of the song at the scaffold on audio (the story of civilization volume 3), and was inspired to read the actual book. I can only hope to have that kind of accepting joy like the nuns had, when I am about to do something I don't want to!


Last week, I took a trip for 8 days to visit/babysit for a family I used to babysit more regularly. They just had their 6th baby in July. I live life fast & hard chasing the 2 year old around all day, playing with the other kids, holding the baby, and eating Popsicles + hanging out with their mom each night. This made for exhausting days, but it was great trip!


On the trip, I was walking home from an afternoon out with the two year old in the stroller. We turned from the library, and there was a silver grand caravan braun ability adapted van, and all of a sudden, the tears came hard for me. I cried the whole walk back to the house. Jeremiah kept saying "Don't crying Miss Frannie" and it was maybe the cutest thing ever. It IS a little frustrating how much crying I do over cars these days....


In other car notes, I am pretty close to rebuilding the engine on my Camry, so I will hopefully have that back soon.


Liturgical Living this month:
this was the first time I did this/knew about this---the Portuincula Indulgence
+ the regular things


got the steers butchered this week. picked up the pork from the pigs. and now all I can think about is getting more steers and more pigs. I'm quite bored with just one turkey ;)